FINDING A SOUL MATE

This week I have decided to do the session on Remarriage before the one on Divorce. The upcoming one on divorce needs a little more research so it will be delayed.

Today, let's look at the "F" word Finding A Soul Mate.

Once my healing had progressed I began to face a new challenge. As a divorced Christian could I consider remarriage? It was a question I wrestled with for quite some time. In my book I express it as follows:

For months I struggled with what the Scriptures taught regarding divorce and remarriage. What was God's plan for me?

In Matthew 19:10-12, Jesus spoke very pointedly with the Pharisees concerning divorce and remarriage. He clearly was opposed to both.

However, when His disciples said to Him, "If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry."

Jesus responded to them, "All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother's womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it."

I know there are many who hold to the position that the question raised was only in relationship to marriage.

However, it seems to me, as the disciples raised the issue following a discussion about divorce and remarriage, Christ's response could be seen within the full context of marriage, divorce, and remarriage.

If this were the case, then some men were intended to be married and others to remain single.

Could I accept being single?

The final question became, "Could I best serve Him as a single or married man?"

I remember very clearly on a Thursday evening, while in prayer, a statement by God in Genesis imprinted itself upon my mind.

And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." (Genesis 2:18 NKJV)

This, along with having looked at my strengths and weaknesses both as a single man and what I would have to offer as a married man, I received peace that I could serve my Lord better in the married state.

I became comfortable with the idea of dating and the possibility of remarriage. Would He give me a helper compatible with myself? (p 99)

I recommend that you contemplate one of the questions I raised at the end of this chapter. It is:

What are the factors you must consider to determine whether to remain single or remarry?

I hope you will ponder that question before moving toward a new relationship.

FINDING a soul mate.

The Sunday morning following my Thursday experience I went to church. At the end of the service I walked over to our adult classroom. In my book I recount what happened next:

She sat silently, alone, at the end of the long empty row of chairs. This beautiful blonde with tresses of hair flowing gentlydown to the tips of her shoulders instantly caught my eye.

When I entered the room, she turned and smiled a pleasant smile, accented by her pearly white teeth and blue-grey eyes. We introduced ourselves and began chatting. Her name was Sharon, the flower of the plain, a vision of beauty.

She had been attending the class for six months, but this was the first Sunday I noticedher. How could I have missed seeing her until now? It seemed odd that I should notice her the Sunday following my Thursday prayer experience. (P-103)

In my short conversation with her I learned that she was in the process of divorce, which would be final on the following Friday. Remembering the pain I felt when my final divorce judgement papers arrived, I awkwardly offered to take her to dinner and invited her to our divorced singles' group. She told me later that she thought I was offering her a charity date.

Sharon and I began dating. By the second date I knew that I was falling in love with her. It had been over a year and a half since my former wife and I separated and divorced. A few months before she had remarried.

Obviously, Sharon was still healing from her divorce and was not ready to commit to a new marriage. As all of us should do, she was still trying to resolve various issues and I hadn't been giving her enough space to work them through. I was proposing too often. I reflect this on pages 115-117 of my book:

I slowly realized I was beginning to propose too often-like a broken record. I knew I loved her and she loved me, but I had better back off. I knew she just needed space and time.

This led to a novel way of proposing without pressuring her. I decided to make it an open-ended proposal. In my book you can read about the Universal Institute of Agapediatropha certificate. I asked the doctor for whomSharon worked to present it to her during an impromptu staff meeting.

In addition I gave her several fun redeemable coupons such as a trip to Disneyland, a bicycle ride and picnic; dinner at a restaurant; etc. That evening I prepared a special dinner and presented her with another certificate:

At the end of dinner that evening, I gave her the "Plus One" surprise. It was another certificate that read as follows:

"Great for a Lifetime of Marital Bliss and Fidelity for Ms. Sharon Ryan with Donald E. Cunningham. Sign and Return to him for Satisfaction Guaranteed. Signed by Ima LuVinu" It had a signatureline for her to sign when she had peace about marrying me.

The pressure was off. She was free to take as much time as she wanted to find peace about her decision. Over the next few months, we relaxed and had fun as she redeemed her award coupons. (p 118)

A very important consideration in finding a soul mate is to determine how your personality "matches up" with the other party.

Sharon and I bought a book on questions couples should ask. There wasn’t a question in the book that we had not already discussed.

In my book I relate the results of the Taylor Johnson Temperament Analysis Profile members of our SPICE group took in preparation for a retreat conducted by Dr. Sam. The results for Sharon and me are as follows:

He reserved Sharon and my profiles for his final review. His review of my profile showed me as functioning at excellent levels in all areas. What growth from a man in a dying relationship to one in love. Sharon's profile was also very positive.

After reviewing each one of ours individually, he compared the ones we had completed on each other. He concluded that it was amazing how closely our assessment of each other matched our own individual evaluations. Of course, there was an ever so slight "halo" effect on our evaluations of each other.

How well we had come to know ourselves and each other! I believed we were ready for marriage, but Sharon had not yet returned my proposal certificate. (p 119)

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of taking time to know one another well in all areas of your relationship. Sharon and I are very thankful for our friend Dr. Sam and his willingness to share his Christian marriage and family counseling skills with our divorced singles group.

I would encourage you to find such a counselor and take a test similar to the one I mention above.

PLEASE COME BACK NEXT WEEK WHEN WE WILL LOOK AT FELLOWSHIP AND FAITH.

I hope you will take time to contact me with your comments and questions. You may do so on this blog or by emailing me.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author Copyright 5-28-2007