Remarriage - "F" Word - Finding Oneself

Yesterday we began our workshop focusing on the first "F" word of Divorce. Today, we will begin with a session on Remarriage. Each week we will move to a new "F" word for our study.

I. FINDING ONE SELF - Before seeking another

Many rush into second marriages before healing from the first one. They fail to resolve their life issues which were instrumental in the role they played in their divorce.

Shortly after I received copies of my new book I was reading a copy in a doctor's office. I was in the chapters dealing with remarriage. The receptionist asked me what I was reading. I told her it was my new book about divorce and remarriage. One of the other young Christian workers in the office was in the midst of a divorce and immediately responded quizzically, "You mean I can get remarried."

I told her before even considering it she should be certain she had resolved past issues in her life that may have contributed to her divorce. I suggested that she join a singles' group at a local church. As I was leaving her friend bought my book for her. I have a doctor's appointment this week and am anxious to find out if my book was helpful to her.

I recently read an article on the Psychology Today website. Here is a paragraph from the article.
"If our optimism steers us into marriage, it goes into overdrive with remarriage. Despite the disappointment and the pain and the disruption of divorce, most of us opt to get back on the horse. An astonishing 75% of the broken-hearted get married all over again. And if you count among the remarried those who merge lives and households without legal ratification, the de facto remarriage rate is even higher.

Yet a whopping 60% of remarriages fail. And they do so even more quickly; after an average of 10 years, 37% of remarriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriage."

To read the whole article visit: http://health.yahoo.com/topic/relationships/couple/article/pt/Psychology_Today_articles_pto-20000301-000037

Be certain before you enter into a new relationship that you realistically evaluate your strengths and weaknesses, especially as they affect your relationships with others. A professional Christian counselor can be invaluable in this area.

During my counseling with Dr. Sam he used a helpful tool called the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Profile to evaluate progress. In my book I relate one of the outcomes on the Profile (pg 69 par 4)

"The inner turmoil was being relieved. Nine months after my separation, Dr. Sam had me take another Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis Profile. There were dramatic changes from my previous tests.

I had moved from nervous to more composed; from very depressed to lighthearted; from moderately quiet to socially active; from very inhibited to more expressive and responsive; from indifferent to highly sympathetic; from subjective to more objective; from submissive to mid-line dominant; from moderately hostile to very tolerant; and from very self-disciplined to a more moderate level. Six of the profiles were now in the excellent range;two were acceptable; and one was one point into the improvement desirable range.

I was healing and growing through my divorce! What a blessing and reminder He was etching upon my heart. In this clean platter, I would always see the thin hairline cracks and remember His great Love toward me in putting my life back together. Beyond that was my heart's knowledge that I had been cleansed of each one of those composite sins that had contributed to my divorce. I was free to grow. No, the growth had already begun!"

In the "Divorce" portion of my workshop I will be dealing with some of the personality or sin issues with which I had to deal. If you have not dealt realistically with yours I hope you will join me each week as our workshop reviews some of the issues I dealt with and how I resolved them.

As my healing and cleansing progressed I began to look ahead to my future. Some excerpts from pages 97, 98, and 99 of my book illustrate this.

"I had not been dating. I was to the point in my healing process where I was ready to move from the past to the future. I had passed through the valley of the shadow of divorce and was moving toward the hope of what lay before me. Questions began to swirl in my mind. What is God's will for my life? Is it that I remain single? Should I consider remarriage? If I were to remarry, what would I look for in a wife?

As I enjoy poetry, I began to write a poem about what I would look for in a wife. I wrote a couple of lines when the Lord spoke to my heart. "Wait a minute, Don. You're getting ahead of yourself. The question is not what you want in a wife, but what do you have to offer a wife?"

"I am so prone to get things backward, to put me first. Before thinking about what I would look for in a wife, it was essential for me to take a realistic look at myself. Why should I assume God's plan for my life, at that point, was to remarry?"

... "If I really believed in God's forgiveness and healing, then the areas of my personality that were contributors to my divorce were now areas that I could view as strengths. Strengths, that is, in the sense that they were cleansed areas upon which I could build more wholesome relationships, be they as a single or married person. "

... "My Lord in His love had tenderized my once hardened heart. I was interacting with others in the manner our Lord had intended me to do. I was ready to move on."

As we finalize this session I want to share with you one of the poems from my book. I wrote it following my encounter with the Lord about what I had to offer to a wife.

So Let Me Love

As I pondered about my life,

Asked, "What do I want in a wife?"

Then the thought broke in from the blue,

"What would a wife look for in you?"

A longing to communicate,

A life filled with love, never hate.

Minister to her precious soul,

And make our relationship whole.

Be sensitive to her every mood,

Tender questions never allude.

To see her as my spotless bride,

To hold her near, stand by her side.

To cherish every special dream,

And live together as a team.

To love - caress so tenderly,

Lift up her heart in ecstasy.

To wipe away her glistening tears,

And protect her from hidden fears.

To rub her back and hold her hand,

And let her know I understand.

Now as I look deep down inside,

Holy Spirit, please be my guide.

To be the man I need to be,

I'll need your caring love, You see.

May I so live my fleeting life,

Solely to love my chosen wife,

That when my soul flies up above,

My wife can say, "Oh, how he loved!"

Don

I hope you will visit my website and participate in this free online workshop.

If you happen to join us somewhere along the line just scroll back through previous postings to get caught up. If you have questions or comments please add them below or contact me.

I look forward to hearing from you. If you'd like to order a signed copy of my book, contact me.

Ecclesiastes 3:11. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.

HUGS, IN CHRIST'S AND MY LOVE,

Don E. Cunningham, Author