FAMILY FRUSTRATIONS IN DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGES

In addition to family violence which we discussed last week there are other areas that may indicate a dysfunctional marital relationship.

One such area is a partner spending too much time away from the home. In the early years it may involve college studies while working full time. In my situation I was already married before beginning college. The week before I started classes my first son was born. In my book I relate it as follows:

As I was working full time and attending college,
she ended up with almost full responsibility for his
care. I believe this is when she began feeling bitter
toward me.

After graduating from college the pattern continued as I accepted small pastorates and needed to work to meet our expenses. I was spending too much time at work and meeting church responsibilities which resulted in failure to meet other family needs. On pages twenty two and twenty three of my book I wrote:

A year later I accepted the call to become pastor
of another small church. Once again it was necessary
to work a full time job to provide for my family. I spent
very little time with my family. I was back into the pattern
again.

As my workload increased at work and I became more
active in our local church, I spent less and less time at
home. When we were at church, things looked like they
were going fine, but when we arrived home the stresses
continued. This cycle went on in a downward spiral.
The gap between us became wider.

In situations such as this the breadwinner will often be viewed as a hard worker, dedicated to his job and family. Yet, in many families it is a sign of disharmony in the home. The wife is left with almost total responsibility for the children and household tasks. It becomes even more complex when both marriage partners work and only one spouse assumes responsibility for the children and household chores.

It is situations such as this, which lead to disruptions in other areas of family interaction.

Arguments in front of the children may arise over the differences in child rearing philosophy. Such was the case in my marriage. In my book, "Divorce & Remarriage Made Beautiful In His Time." I reference this on page 23

However, tensions and arguments did arise over
what my wife said was my lack of "strict" disciplining
of the boys. I would try to talk with them and find out
what had happened; why they did (or did not) do certain things;
and see how we could help resolve the problem.

Usually, in the midst of this, my wife would become very angry
and say they needed a spanking. So here, too, we found that
our views of discipline and child-rearing were in conflict.

This led to many arguments and confrontations in front of the boys.
Both of us felt we had to maintain our positions. I got the strong
impression that much of her anger was because I hadn't helped with
them in the early stages. Why was I butting in now? I should
just do as she said.

Another indicator of a dysfunctional marriage is a breakdown in communication. One or both always need to be right. There is no room for compromise in such situations. King Solomon knew this very well. In the following two verses of Scripture he gives an inkling of some of the bickering that he witnessed.

Proverbs 19:13 - The nagging of a wife is a persistent leak. (NKJV)

Proverbs 21:19. It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman. (NKJV)

While Solomon reference women I believe this could be either gender! Many husbands negate their wives with unkind words and contempt filled comments. With the verbal negation of a spouse true communication withers and bitterness ensues. The relationship enters a downward spiral. Intervention through counseling is needed.

I relate this type of communication breakdown on page 27.

Our arguments increased, and berating became harsher.
When she became angry, she screamed demeaning and emasculating
remarks at me. After one particularly severe episode,
I moved out. A couple of weeks later, she contacted me and
asked me to move back in with her, saying that things would
be different.

Withholding of sexual intimacy by one or the other partners is another indicator of a marriage headed toward the rocks. This occurred in our marriage.

We began sleeping in separate bedrooms. Our sexual relationship
had long since ceased. Our situation deteriorated to the
point where every time the smallest comment was made, it was
interpreted negatively. (P. 28)

Another indicator of a dysfunctional marriage is when a partner spends too much time with negative friends. Such was my experience:

Mavis, her widowed friend, continued to be a disruptive
force in our marriage. She helped make our situation get further
out of control by bringing her paper down every night with
apartments for rent, circled. I didn't accept their invitation to
begin looking for apartments. Finally, one night I was met at
the door and told, "I hate you, get out. I want a divorce!"

It is almost impossible to redeem a seriously dysfunctional marriage when one or both spouses are unwilling to seek marital and/or family counseling. P 23

When my oldest son entered his teen years, he began rebelling
and became a discipline problem. We sought counseling
from a Christian psychologist. After two sessions, Maria decided
that it was Daniel's and my problem. She would no longer
attend the sessions.

While tests taken at that time indicated
she should be involved in the counseling sessions, our counselor
decided not to make an issue of it. From that point on, she
never participated with me in family or marriage counseling.
Dan and I continued our counseling sessions. No resolution was
reached, and Dan left our home. Of course, this did not bring
resolution to our marital problems. I continued counseling with
my psychologist.

While marital infidelity was not the case in our marriage, it becomes a major factor in many separations and divorces. Christ tells us:

Matthew 19:9 (NKJV) And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.

While in many cases infidelity leads to a divorce, some couples are able to reconcile their differences.

Some Christians remain in a dysfunctional marriage because they are a Christian fail to recognize "Hardness of the heart" in one or both partners. Such was the case in my first marriage.

My misconception at that time was that our marriage could
survive. Our struggle went on. Christians should be able to
work these problems out. (P 24)

In a future session we will look more at "hardness of the heart" and how it can be healed.
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This week we will be looking at Remarriage Fellowship while dating.

I hope you will join me next week when we look at Failure and Separation.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author ©June 4, 2007 1188