FAILED & FLAWED RELATIONSHIPS - REASONS FOR SEPARATION

Over the last two workshop sessions we have looked at elements in dysfunctional marriages. In the segment on Domestic Violence one of the areas I outlined is the importance of planning a way to get out.

This week we will be looking at Reasons for separation in a FAILED and FLAWED relationship.

One major reason for separation in a dysfunctional marriage is to diffuse physical and/or verbal abuse. Please go back and review my discussion of being careful in making an exit plan in cases of domestic violence.

The cause for the first separation in my marriage is related in my book as follows (p 24):

We continued to argue over minor things. On occasion,
Maria would become hysterical and throw things at me. During
one such episode, she pulled off her wedding ring, threw
it into the garbage disposal, and turned the disposal on. After
turning it off, she took the badly defaced ring and threw it at me.
This led to our first separation. It lasted a little over one month.

Another reason to separate is to seek counsel and ameliorate a stressful situation.

When the pressure becomes so intense that one or the other marriage partner leaves, and is uncertain about reconciliation it is advisable to seek wise counsel.

While the verses I am quoting from Exodus 18:17-20 are within a totally different context than the marriage relationship the insight from Jethro to Moses may be helpful for it demonstrates two sources of Counsel one from a very wise man and the other from our Lord.

17. So Moses' father-in-law said to him, "The thing that you do is not good.
Both you and these people who are with you will surely wear yourselves out. For this thing is too much for you; you are not able to perform it by yourself."

"Listen now to my voice; I will give you counsel, and God will be with you: Stand before God for the people, so that you may bring the difficulties to God."

"And you shall teach them the statutes and the laws, and show them the way in which they must walk and the work they must do."

King David rejoiced after seeking counsel of God Psalm 16: 7. I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel; My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.

How important it is to seek God's counsel through His word. For there is much in His word that can help us in our relationships.

His counsel is not only for one's present crisis but it is everlasting. How reassuring the following verses are.

Psalm 33:11. The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations.

Psalm 73:24. You will guide me with Your counsel, And afterward receive me to glory.

To gain a clearer perspective it is also important to seek wise counsel.

Proverbs 11:14. Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

To me a Christian Psychologist or a Christian Family and Marriage Counselor can play an important role in clarifying a relationship.

Proverbs 12:15. The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise.

Proverbs 19:20. Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days.

Separation can also be a time to gain a clearer perspective on the relationship.

Based on my Christian beliefs and my view of the sanctity of marriage I mistakenly remained in a dysfunctional marriage with separations occurring over a period of years. This believe system and how it affected the continuation of my first marriage is related in my book: (p 24)

Over several troubled years, my belief prevailed that as a
Christian, I should not be divorced. I told myself I still loved
her. We could make it work. Even with my counseling, our two-faced
relationship continued. At church we appeared to be a
happily married couple. At home we were on a battlefield.

While waiting in the doctor's office today I read the following: "Do you know how to make God laugh, show Him your plan for your life." That sounds funny, but in my experience I feel certain some of MY disastrous plans have made Him cry. Especially, when I clung on to them too tightly.

Psalm 81:11 - 13. But My people would not heed My voice, And Israel would have none of Me. So I gave them over to their own stubborn heart, To walk in their own counsels. Oh, that My people would listen to Me, That Israel would walk in My ways!

Proverbs 19:21. There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the Lord's counsel, that will stand.

Again, I can't emphasize enough the importance of seeking wise counsel. In that area of my healing, Dr. Sam played a very important role. In my life he was the man of understanding who drew out the refreshing deep water to which King Solomon referred. He helped me test the pros and cons of continuing in my marriage.

Proverbs 20:5 Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.

Finally, if children are involved the two parties have to determine what is in the children's best interest. An AARP study which I quote in my book shows that many men remain in a dysfunctional marriage so they won't lose contact with their children.

To protect the children one must consider which is more damaging to the them: to continually argue and fight in front of them or to seek a divorce. Either way the children are going to lose, but which creates the greatest loss? In either instance counseling for them is crucial.

While my divorce occurred long after my two sons were married I believe my remaining in it during their youth was detrimental to them.

For years, my Christian beliefs on the sanctity of marriage
and that divorce was not an option kept me in a marriage
that should have never continued. I believe the damage done
to my sons was far more devastating to them than a divorce
would have been. Both sons had difficulties in their marriages. (P 25)

With so many considerations to be made you will face times of great ambivalence and feelings of guilt.

Whatever your decision, though many fears may belie your path, I hope you will move forward knowing that our precious Lord walks with you.

Please join me next week when we look at FEARS related to Divorce and Remarriage. The following week we will look at Divorce's affect on Family and Friends, titled, "Pointing Fingers or Helping Hands."

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author