LOSS THROUGH INFIDELITY OF A SPOUSE

When Sharon and I hosted a divorced singles group in our home, one of our group members thought her former husband would realize, that if her best friend would steal him from her, how ruthless she was and return to her. She had nursed this notion for twelve years and no one could dissuade her from that train of thought. She failed to recognize that her former husband made the choice to leave her. She was unable to face the reality of being rejected by both her husband and her best friend.

Jim Smoke, in his book, "Growing Through Divorce", notes that very few individuals who have had an affair return to their spouses. Their focus is primarily upon the new person in their life. He and I believe that the only way back after an affair is through the door of a counselor. The couple would need to deal with the core issues of forgiveness and renewal of trust.[i]

"Growing Through Divorce" was very helpful to me as I was "growing" through my Divorce. I recommend it to you. If you are to the point in your journey where you are considering remarriage Jim Smoke's book, "Growing Through Remarriage", contains many helpful insights. He has been helping divorced singles for over thirty years. He has authored 18 books focusing on helping singles and singles again.

Infidelity in a relationship is a bitter pill to swallow. Once the pill is swallowed it can lead to a life of bitterness and anger. With the death of a relationship one can become overwhelmed by feelings of loss, rejection, grief, bewilderment, loneliness, and anger. Even though one is stressed out and confused major decisions must be made. Some will look for a "rescuer" and not work through the problems facing them. If not careful, the vulnerable injured party, may, to their one detriment, enter into a new relationship before they resolve their heartbreak issues.

Wiser individuals will recognize that they are responsible for their own future and will begin to deal with issues confronting them.

As the journey begins it will seem like the obstacles ahead are insurmountable. As one who has walked that path I can assure you that step by step you will overcome. In the early stages of your healing you will feel the pain intensely. Gradually, the pain will subside and you will notice that things are beginning to fall into place for you.

A few months ago I had a major upper respiratory infection that hospitalized me for several days. I came home weak and on oxygen. I was homebound for a month and underwent occupational and physical therapies. I found it very difficult to walk.

Slowly I started back on my treadmill for five minutes at one mile an hour 2 to 3 times a week. By the time I was finished I was out of breath and my legs hurt so much I could barely stand. My doctor prescribed a blood thinner to help my circulation. My lung doctor prescribed xolair shots for me to help my lung condition. Gradually, I have built up to 15 minutes at speeds up to 2.5 mph and a distance of a little over one half a mile, 4 to 5 times a week. Eventually, all of these areas will be increased. I am seeing measurable improvement and feel a little better. It will take time.

Why do I mention this. Because it illustrates the healing process and equates with our life journey. Notice the parallels. I was physically knocked off my feet and in severe pain. You have been knocked off your feet emotionally. I had caring people around me to help me back up. It is important that you find supportive friends and family to help you get on the path to your future.
My health issues required that I seek professional help. Each issue required a specialist. You would be wise to seek professional help to guide you toward realistic goals and help you attain them. Like me your issues may require more than one specialist. (Psychologist, or Family Counselor or pastor, Financial Advisor, Divorce Attorney and employment-educational counselor). You may also find support in a Christian divorced singles' group. In my book I relate the crucial roles my counselor and singles' group played in my growth.

Ultimately, it is me who has assumed responsibility for my health; set my goals and am walking on my treadmill. Basically, it is you who must take responsibility for your future; set realistic goals and get on your "treadmill" to attain them. As you do, remember the Lord walks with you through your valley. (Psalm 23)

Next time I will be looking at scriptural references to adultery and how it relates to our relationship with our Lord and to spouses. Your comments and questions will be appreciated.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author ©10/15/07 756
[i] Jim Smoke, "Growing Through Divorce", Harvest House Publishers, p. 146