LEARNING TO FORGIVE

In our final online workshop session regarding divorce, we come to one of the most difficult, yet, very necessary actions if we are to heal from the hurt of divorce. Learning to forgive ourselves, our former spouses and others who contributed to the trauma during our divorce, does not come easy, but for peace in our hearts it must be learned and applied to our lives.

Mr. Webster defines forgive as: to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon. While it is a simple enough definition, giving up all the hurts and anger associated with our divorces is a much more complex process.

As a motivation for us to learn forgiveness, let me use a quotation from the famous preacher, Charles Hadden Spurgeon.

In his message, "Forgiveness Made Easy" he expounds upon the verse "Forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."-Ephesians 4:32. He tells us:

"Grasp it as with a hand of steel; grip it as for life: "God for Christ's sake hath forgiven me," may each one of us be able to say that. We shall not feel the divine sweetness and force
of the text unless we can make a personal matter of it by the Holy Ghost."

"Then notice that God has forgiven us continuously. He not only forgave us at the first all our sins, but he continues daily to forgive, for the act of forgiveness is a continuous one. I have sometimes heard it said that we were so forgiven when we first believed that there is no need to ask for further forgiveness; to which I reply, 'We were so completely forgiven when we first believed that we ought continually to ask for the perpetuity of that one far-reaching act, that the Lord may continue to exert towards us that fullness of forgiving grace which absolved us perfectly at the first, that we may continue to walk before him with a sense of that complete forgiveness, clear and unquestioned.'"

The coach of Rutgers Women's Basketball team when asked about Imus said, "We are in the process of forgiving him."

So it is with divorce related forgiveness. It is a process that ebbs and flows back and forth with varying emotions. We reach point of forgiveness then something happens that stirs our emotions and hurts return. We struggle with the emotions and memories and come to a point where we forgive again. So it goes, and over a long period, sometimes years, we finally relinquish the resentments and anger. At last we find peace with ourselves and others.

In my book I outline the process I went through to learn and give forgiveness. (pg 76)

"How often I prayed, 'Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.' Had this prayer become just a ritual, or was it a prayer from my heart?"

"If from the heart, it required action. True forgiveness, like love, must be acted upon. I approached Maria three times and asked her to forgive me. I sought her forgiveness twice during the time of our divorce and again following it. The two apologies made during the divorce are mentioned elsewhere. The one following the divorce was shortly before she remarried. She had not come to the point where she felt she could forgive me."

"In my healing, I focused on my sins, attitudes, and behaviors that contributed to my divorce. Yet there were still those negative things previously mentioned that she had done to me that would fester up and cause pain."

"Gradually, as I grew through my divorce, I was able to deal with them, recognize them within the context of her life, and forgive her. This applied not only to our marriage and divorce, but to things done following our divorce. Whether a former spouse asks for forgiveness or not, for true healing, one must forgive as the causes of injury become evident to him or her."

The healing spirit of forgiveness does not come easy, but it does bring peace. Many pages later in my book and life I comment: (Pg 98)

"Other areas that had been healed were feelings of anger and bitterness. I had been able to unconditionally forgive myself, Maria, Mavis, and others who had played negative roles during and after my divorce."

"I had heard Paul's admonition to the Ephesians and applied it to my life:"

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you,
with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even
as God in Christ forgave you."
. . .
In this final session I want to share another poem with you. I hope it will help you see the blessing of accepting God's forgiveness and extending it to your former spouse and others who may have injured you.

Divorce and God's Grace

For months I struggle - really grope,
A divorced person without hope.
My world exploded - blown apart,
My sins have broken my hard heart.

Friends departed, I am alone,
Even God's grace cannot atone.
Divorce has come through my cold heart.
My sins keep God and me apart.

If divorce is beyond God's grace,
I must run a grief - stricken race.
My heart and soul are in despair,
Can it be that God does not care?

He says He heals the broken heart,
And gives us all a fresh new start.
And yet I hear preachers proclaim,
"You, the divorced, must bear your shame!

Mind and soul confused, in distress,
Who will save me from my mess?
God forgives murderer and thief,
Yet His grace cannot spare my grief.

Can it be that my God is dead?
In His word this I never read.
His Spirit's Love touches my heart,
"I still love you; we'll never part."

Death of marriage His voice still heard,
"Child, please study my precious Word.
In Scripture my truth is revealed,
Study its pages and be healed."

I studied its pages and found
Sin abounded, grace more abounds.
Does it work with sins of divorce?
Can it be He shares my remorse?

I look in His law, find His grace,
Great tears of joy flow down my face.
Divorced daughter at table eats,
Sits with priest father, shares his meats!

Christ never divorced. Can it be,
He was tempted and tried like me?
Look to the prophets in remorse,
Their words show God got a divorce!

Christ gives body for me and you,
Sins forgiven through His blood, too.
Man of sorrows, stricken with grief,
Brings me forgiveness - sweet relief!

Yes, a hardened heart has been healed,
As it was broken, sins revealed.
Christ helped me see them - I confessed,
Then He forgave me, cleansed and blessed.

For those who would like to meditate on this poem using verses of Scripture I reflected upon while writing each stanza, please refer to Appendix C. In it are applicable verses placed between each stanza. The Scripture helps one understand that God's Word is with us each step of the way as we walk through the valley of the shadow of divorce.

I cannot urge you enough to learn the grace of forgiveness and remember you may find that in this process things may occur that bring back angry memories. Stop again and forgive.

Especially, learn to forgive yourself. Our Lord is a FORGIVING GOD. As His children let us follow His example and in love learn to forgive.

Let me conclude this final session of my workshop with another quote from Charles Haddon Spurgeon.

"Remember, when you have conquered yourself you have conquered the world. You have
overcome everybody when you have so fully overcome your own spirit that you remain content with that which naturally would excite your wrath."

As we conclude our workshop I would encourage you to buy a copy of my book which includes many more helpful suggestions, questions and poetry.

Next week our very dear niece, Elizabeth, will be visiting us and I may not be able to post an article on HUGS. I hope you will join me in the ensuing weeks when I will be posting a series of articles on my HUG experiences. May the Lord be your source of comfort and peace.

HUGS, IN CHRIST'S AND MY LOVE,

Don E. Cunningham, Author © 7/11/07 1368