DIVORCE - FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

This week, in order to make my outline flow sequentially, I have decided to revise it slightly and present "Fear of the Unknown" before presenting divorce's affect on Family and Friends.

A major obstacle that is keeping individuals in dysfunctional marriages is a FEAR of the unknown. What is going to happen if I leave this relationship? There are bound to be losses, but there will also be gains. Everyone in the family will be faced with major adjustments. For a time the feelings of loss will be overwhelming.

In my book I cite an illustration which may be helpful in understanding this. (P 29 and 30).

Several years ago I was in a workshop conducted by a social
work professor named Bea Sommers. One of her illustrations
left a lasting impression upon me. She used a baby's crib
mobile to illustrate the adjustment that each family member
must make to keep the family in balance. Whenever a member
leaves or returns to it, each member adjusts at his or her own
pace.

I can only imagine how badly children are thrown off
balance when their parents argue, fight, separate, and reunite
in cyclical patterns. Is such a living environment really what
is best for the children? If this is the pattern, parents need to
seriously consider divorce.

Professional family and marriage counseling should be an intricate part of this decision making
process. Whatever the decision, counseling should continue to support the family as they strive to bring their family "mobile"into balance.

When there are children in the home their welfare and safety must be a major consideration. Under no circumstance can ABUSE OR NEGLECT BE TOLERATED.

While some speak of child support from only a financial aspect, I believe we need to view it in a much wider perspective. Children need their parents' and extended family's support emotionally, financially, physically, psychologically, socially, educationally and spiritually.

To abuse or neglect them in any of these areas will place burdens upon them they may carry with them into adulthood. (I have posted some of my observations regarding poverty and homelessness. You may find it helpful.)

How parents relate during and after divorce has a major effect on their children. They must be realistic and honest when speaking to their children about divorce and help them to know that the divorce was not caused by them.

Parents who bad mouth one another to their child in an attempt to gain the child's loyalty and create distance between the child and the other parent are confusing and damaging the child. Children are not to be used as weapons on the parents' battleground of divorce. There are no winners in such a war.

Even though they divorce, both parents have a responsibility to support their child. If they fail to do so they should be held accountable to the full extent of the law. True love of children demands that parents provide for them to the best of their ability. Where love fails to care for a child law must take over.

If the couple own property it should be distributed equitably. A wise arbitrator can be of assistance in this area. If lawyers are involved, each party should have their own legal advisor. In all important areas such as this it is important to have wise professional counseling.

For single parents it is essential to have short and long range financial plans. Learning to budget is critical. Years ago, when I supervised an Aid to Families with Dependent Children with Unemployed Parents unit, we worked extensively with them to gain employable skills, including basic education: find employment; transportation; medical care; and independence. I had one worker who specialized in budget counseling and making long range financial plans with recipients.

For our extended families, society and churches to expect a single parent to deal with these tremendous responsibilities alone is ludicrous and counter to scripture. Based on a couple of core Old Testament verses I consider single mothers and their children in the same category as widows and orphans. I will deal with those wonderful verses in a later session.

I once did a study on widows in scripture and learned that the books of history, law, poetry, prophecy, gospel, and epistles all speak of God's love and concern for the widow. Should not we have the same attitude of love toward the "widow and orphan" in our midst?

Some of the scriptures I want to look at today speak to the issue of widows and orphans:

Exodus 22:22 - 27 "You shall not afflict any widow or fatherless child. If you afflict them in any way, and they cry at all to Me, I will surely hear their cry; and My wrath will become hot, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives shall be widows, and your children fatherless. If you lend money to any of My people who are poor among you, you shall not be like a moneylender to him; you shall not charge him interest.

If you ever take your neighbor's garment as a pledge, you shall return it to him before the sun goes down. For that is his only covering, it is his garment for his skin. What will he sleep in?"

Isaiah 1:17. Learn to do good; seek justice, reprove the oppressor; defend the fatherless, plead for the widow.

James !:27 - Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.

Malachi 3:5. And I will come near you for judgment; I will be a swift witness against sorcerers, against adulterers, against perjurers, against those who exploit wage earners and widows and the fatherless, and against those who turn away an alien because they do not fear Me,'' says the Lord of hosts.

In the light of these scriptures how can Christians begrudge church funds and public assistance to single parents and children? Especially, when we consider many are working parents who receive aid do so because they are paid such low wages. In those cases, in reality, aren’t we paying subsidies to millionaire and billionaire owners of companies who refuse to pay living wages? Yes, scripture does speak to that question!

Read on:

Lamentations 5: 1- 5 Remember, O Lord, what has come upon us; look, and behold our reproach! Our inheritance has been turned over to aliens, and our houses to foreigners. We have become orphans and waifs, our mothers are like widows. We pay for the water we drink, and our wood comes at a price. They pursue at our heels; we labor and have no rest.

Could the aliens and foreigners in our day be credit card companies, banks and mortgage companies?

Dear weary children and single parent is this the reality with which you identify? It is for many. Take heart our Lord has a message of hope for us! Let us continue.

John 14:15 - 18. "If you love Me, keep My commandments. And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. "I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you."

Perhaps you are at the point I was when I wrote "A Psalm of Separation and Divorce." The full Psalm follows:

A Psalm of Separation and Divorce

I was alone and in my distress I cried
unto thee -there is no hope,
Take me home, Lord, take me home.

My wife disavowed me - drove me out
then continued to rail at me
She and her friend laughed at me - at
the point of despondency

I cried out to thee, Lord - the room echoed
with my crying, my eyes were
sore, my heart sick - yet You did not answer me.

Oh, take me home, Lord, take me home.
My old friends pointed out my sins and cut me off,
I was an island of despair - despised,
rejected, isolated and depressed.
How can I escape? Take me home, Lord, take me home.

My soul withered within me, I cried
in the darkness of the night
I walked as a zombie through the day.
My work reflected the shattered,
broken thoughts of my mind. Scattered
papers covered my desk as though
blown about by the wind of torment in my soul.

My fruitfulness withered, the limbs of my
body hung down under the heavy
burden of guilt and despair -Are you

there, Lord, are you there?
The question throbs and echoes in my brain.

My wife says, "I am lonely, return, return."
My heart says, "Yes!"
My mind says, "Reflect!
What has changed? Have you? Has she?"
Oh, Lord, I need time to think through our
broken dreams and future hope.
Unless I or she - no - we can forgive and
forget there is no hope - our
marriage agonizes in the death throes.

Must it die? Lord, must it die?

I see her sitting there despondent,
despairing, her eyes are sunken,
blue eyes circled with red, rimmed, as it
were, with ashen colored eye lids.
She too mourns and suffers the pangs of
the death of our marriage. We
talk. Perhaps it can survive!

Her friend says, "She plans to wait, then divorce you."

My anger rises. Misled again.
I ask, "Is it true? Is it true?"
"She should not have told you that." she replies.
"But, is it true, is it true?"
"YES"
Anger, fear, rejection, loss, all flood in and overwhelm me. A
hurricane of torment whirls and swirls
about me. My soul cries out,
"Why, Lord, Why?"

The sullen, sunken, rotting corpse of our
marriage glares at me with hollow eyes.
My lips cry out, "If it is dead, bury it."
Oh, to pull those words back.
She speaks, "I will on Monday."
An apology does not help.
Can that which is dead be resurrected with a few words?
It is over, Lord, it is over.

Don Cunningham

After reading my Psalm you may want to write one of your own. Later, when you reflect back upon it you will see how you are progressing and growing along your journey of divorce.

I know that these early sessions on divorce have been difficult and I appreciate your patience. Next week we will begin moving from hurt to healing as we look at divorce's affect on Family and Friends.

For those of you who would like to review material on poverty and homelessness please read my posting made earlier today.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author © 6-18-07 1829