HEALING OF A FRACTURED SELF IMAGE

Over the last few weeks we have looked at several of the F words of Divorce. Some of us held to a very strict interpretation of marriage as being FOREVER. Sort of a "Once hitched never ditched" philosophy. That is until we were "Ditched".

Then came the FRUSTRATION of being in a dysfunctional family relationship without being able to resolve the issues involved.

We faced the need to confront the guilt associated with FAILURE in our marriage.

We took a special look at recognizing patterns of spousal and child abuse, along with FEAR of the unknown.

Pointing FINGERS and helping hands showed us the affect of Divorce on FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Then came the wonderful revelation of our Father's invitation to FELLOWSHIP at His Table.

This week we embrace the marvel of learning how to HEAL a FRACTURED self image. This was one of the most powerful experiences I have had in my life.

These insights can help you move along your path of HEALING. You notice I say path, as Healing is not like a bolt of lightning striking us and we are healed. No, it is like walking beside a peaceful stream in the dreary dry desert of divorce where we stop to take a sip of living water to quench our thirst.

A couple of years ago, Sharon and I had live blood cell tests completed. A special microscope recorded the activity of the cells as they moved about in a droplet of blood. Red cells that were properly hydrated were round and healthy looking. One’s that were dehydrated were odd shape and looked drab.

One of the other interesting things to watch was the white cells which were going about in that drop of blood picking up the heavy metals and other waste materials. What they couldn't swallow they towed, much like a combination little tow and garbage truck picking up waste.

So it is with us as we journey through the desert of divorce. We need a refreshing drink of the water of life. Water which Christ offers us is vital, living water that will cleanse our souls and bring healing.

John 4:10 - 14 - Jesus answered and said to her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, 'Give Me a drink,' you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water."'

The woman said to Him, "Sir, You have nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. Where then do You get that living water?"

"Are You greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well, and drank from it himself, as well as his sons and his livestock?"'

Jesus answered and said to her, "Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life."'

In my book I refer to this kind of experience in a different metaphor. The experience came while I was listening to Doug Oldham singing verses from a spiritual song, "So you failed in life's battle, failed to accomplish your mighty plans, pick up the broken pieces, take them to your Lord, He knows and understands." I related this in my book as the "Shattered Platter" experience. It was an opportunity to grow. (Ch 6 pg 67 par 1)

How that squared with what I was experiencing in my heart. The more I thought on these verses and my broken platter, the clearer the cause of my guilt and shame became.

Within my heart I learned divorce was not just a single sin, but a composite of sins that contributed to my divorce! The broken pieces of my shattered platter were not clean as though the platter had just been removed from a dishwasher. No, they were from a dirty, germ-ridden dish that had helped cause the death of a floundering relationship.

If I were to find cleansing and healing it must be through His Word. Paul related this need for cleansing in Ephesians 5:25 - 26 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it, that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.

Many today do not like to speak of "sins" needing confessing and cleansing. If you prefer you may look at them as personality traits that we need to recognize and place them in a new perspective so that we will not continue demonstrating the negative traits in our interaction with others. We have the ability to change and become new in our relationships. (Ch 6 pg69 par3)

During that time of healing, I came to realize that God was not only forgiving my sins, He was cleansing my life. As He was putting the shattered platter back together He was making it squeaky-clean. I was carefully checking each piece, washing it through the renewing of His Word, and piecing it back together with the bond of His love.

My heart no longer cried, "Unclean, unclean." The inner turmoil was being relieved.

I believe an important part of my healing came through professional counseling. It can also be a big help to you. ( p 67 and 69)

How was I to find the broken pieces, loaded with sin, and take them to my Lord? My counseling with Dr. Samuel McDill, a Christian marriage and family counselor, was going well.

In addition to his most helpful counseling, I decided to contact the widow of the Christian psychologist from whom I received counseling when attempting to save my marriage.

Fortunately, she was understanding and willingly sent me not only my tests results, but also his notes. What a godsend!

The next few months, I prayed and poured over all the material she sent me and discussed it with Dr. Sam. Through these insights, I picked up my broken pieces and began to put my shattered platter back together. Oh, the imperfection - no, dark sins - I needed to deal with.

How my soul agonized over those broken pieces: selfishness, blocking, denial, internal anger, and insecurity. While there had been no marital infidelity, how far I fell short of the admonitions in I Corinthians 13. What a large, dirty platter it had been.

(P 69 - 70) Nine months after my separation, Dr. Sam had me take another Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis Profile. There were dramatic changes from my previous tests. I had moved from nervous to more composed; from very depressed to lighthearted; from moderately quiet to socially active; from very inhibited to more expressive and responsive; from indifferent
to highly sympathetic; from subjective to more objective; from submissive to mid-line dominant; from moderately hostile to very tolerant; and from very self-disciplined to a more moderate level. Six of the profiles were now in the excellent range; two were acceptable; and one was one point into the improvement desirable range.

I was healing and growing through my divorce!

As we work our way through the healing process we move from fear to healing. We develop a fresh self esteem and can find strength in each accomplishment. p 69

The fear of being really known by others dropped away. New, more open and affirming interaction began with friends and coworkers. From years of experience and education, I had
rarely hugged anyone. My cool reserve of not touching or being touched by others disappeared. I found myself supportively hugging others. Looking back, what a big step that was!

Over the years, I have come to believe that hugs are one of mankind's basic needs.

Friend, as you are walking through your desert of divorce, stop along the way and take a sip of our Lord's loving, living water. While you linger there give yourself a hug. Remember, you are HUGGABLE!

In closing this session I am including a poem that I wrote following my Shattered Platter experience. I hope it will be a blessing and encouragement to you. (Pgs 72-73)

Divorce's Depression - Forgiveness's Delight

I wept all night, depressed alone,
For my sins He could not atone.
My heart broken, I wept and wept,
My soul by Him could not be kept.

I wept all night, depressed alone,
There were those who cast a first stone.
My heart cried out, "Where are you God,
Would I be best beneath the sod?"

Dreadful sin, in my deep remorse,
Could not keep it from its course.
Must I forever then remain,
Beneath its sinful, rotten stain?

Then one bright night a new song came,
It did my raging heartache tame.
It sang of broken hearts and plans,
And said to place them in Christ's hands.

Divorce is a sin composite,
My heart doth grieve and wants to quit.
In hardened arteries of my soul,
I let sins take their dreadful toll.

A hardened heart, shattered, broken,
The Potter's hand, it has spoken.
Pick up each piece as it's my sin,
Let my Lord cleanse me from within.

Then I came to my Savior fair,
Confessed each sin and tarried there.
He cleansed me of my sins galore,
And told me, "Go, and sin no more."

My spirit leapt; I found his grace,
Each of my sins was cleansed - erased!
I could rejoice in heart and soul,
You see, His grace had made me whole.

Fresh tears flowed down, I found release,

My Savior brought me precious peace.
A special text, I now make mine,
'Tis First John one, the verse is nine.

Now free at last, my loss was gain,
As His blessed child I still remain.
Dear Lord don't ever let me slip,
And lose our precious fellowship.

This poem was written after my "Broken Platter" experience.

For those who would like to gain additional insights into this poem, please refer to Appendix A of this book. I have included Scripture verses that I applied to my life while writing this poem. The applicable verses are inserted between the appropriate stanzas of the poem. As one experiences the emotional turmoil of divorce, it is important to relate to biblical truths as written by those who walked with God through the upheavals of life.

Our next session will address Forgiving and will be the online workshop presentation on Divorce and Remarriage. In following posts we will be HUG experiences. Remember YOU ARE HUGGABLE!

Don E. Cunningham, Author ©7/9/07 1737