DIVORCE'S AFFECT ON FAMILY AND FRIENDS

This week we will be looking at Divorce's affect upon FAMILY AND FRIENDS and their responses to it. Last week we referred to the family mobile as it related to the nuclear family. We see that the mobile illustration may also be applied to extended family and friends.

My divorce experience found my extended family to be supportive while friends became divided regarding their interaction with me. There were both pointing fingers and helping hands.

In the Christian community where I fellowshipped there were false accusations and pointing fingers. (Ch 2 pg, 33 - 3 pars)

It was the first Sunday following my final separation from
Maria. I was walking across the church parking lot. A couple
from the church asked me why Maria was not with me. I told
them we were separated and getting divorced.

"Divorce, you're getting divorced?" he said, pointing and
jabbing his finger a hair's breadth from my nose. "Christians
just don't get divorced."

"Well, I'm a Christian, and I'm getting divorced, so I
guess some of us do," I replied weakly in a state of guilt-ridden
shock.

"I doubt that you are." he said.

He and his wife spun around and marched self-righteously
across the parking lot to church. Stunned, hurt and angry, I
stood there with, "Christians just don't get divorced!" ringing in
my ears.

Why was I so angry? His reaction was the way I may
have reacted a few years before. Why can a person's pointing
finger hit you as hard as though it were a cast stone?

My two sons and their wives were supportive to both of us, preferring not to choose sides. I know it was uncomfortable for them when we both arrived at their homes for birthdays and holidays. On more than one occasion I left early to prevent confrontations in front of them. I believe extended family should not be exposed to the biting comments sometimes made by divorcing couples.

My family members back in upstate New York provided long distance support. I found them phoning more often than they previously had. They always had words of encouragement for me.

I was surprised when several friends found it necessary to choose sides. Some spouses may differ in their feelings, thus creating stress in their relationship. (Pg 34 par 4)

Over the next few weeks, I found some of my dearest
friends and neighbors choosing sides. Several totally rejected
me. One of my two best buddies was told by his wife that
he could have nothing further to do with me. I am certain he
mourned the breaking of that tie as much as I did. It was one of
the worst casualties of the death of my marriage.

It is lamentable that some former spouses will actually go to mutual friends and place them in the position of needing to choose one or the other as their friend. Just imagine how difficult it must be, under those circumstance, for them to bring their lives back into balance.

Some friends are able to maintain a balance and are supportive of both.

One couple we were close to walked that path with us. They would listen but never condemn either party.

This wonderful couple invited me to their home for a weekend. They knew I loved working with my hands and asked me to help repair a back fence that had blown down during a Santana wind.

My "Love cave" experience (Ch 4 pg 52)

What a wonderful weekend we spent in the love cave. The
Lord was using my dearest friends to begin the healing process.
They gave me a relaxed weekend. I did what I enjoyed
and basked in their silent, soothing love. I had stayed with
friends yet wandered the hills of my childhood. There were two
love caves that weekend - their home and my cave at Diamond
Rock.

I found my fellow workers very supportive. I was invited out to lunch, for walks during breaks, to their homes for dinner and to visit their churches with them. They were like an extended family to me.

My secretary and her husband realizing how tense I was made an appointment for me to get a massage. Never having had one, and hearing the rumors about them, I hesitated to go. They insisted and I finally decided to accept their gift. When I laid down on the massage table my muscles were as rigid as steel. The soothing music and strong, yet gentle hands, soon had me relaxed and almost dozing. What a sensitive gift they had given me.

My social worker friends were good listeners. They helped with my healing, by not only listening supportively, but pointing out some of the errors in thinking and the humor in my situation. There is a difference between making light of divorce and seeing some of the humor in it.

It is important to surround yourself with supportive friends and not isolate yourself. A good laugh with a close friend can help you make it through the nightmare of divorce.

Next week we will be looking at Fellowship with our Lord. Does God forsake us when we divorce? The answer from the books of the law and prophets may surprise and bless you.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author © 6/26/07 873