LOOKING AT LOSS

On Saturday I attended "the Many Faces of Loss" workshop lead by Dr. Gustave Erickson, a retired psychologist who attends our church. For a few moments before the workshop started I jotted down some of the losses I have experienced. I feel certain many of you have experienced similar losses.

My list included: death of loved ones, divorce, illness, drained of energy, finances, grand children, friends, possessions, home, moving, work, fellowship, and shredding documents with memories. Many more could be added to it.

As I looked at these losses I thought of the ways in which I cope with them. Some of my coping skills are HUGS, professional help, hope, humor, poetry and forgiving myself and others.

Gus began his presentation. He pointed out that suffering is the biggest challenge to our faith. It is the groundwork of life. Joy and sorrow are inseparable. He made reference to sanctioned and unsanctioned losses. A sanctioned loss is death. One should be open to discuss death when a person is ready. Divorce, abortion, unwed pregnancies are losses unsanctioned by our society.

With the attitude of our society little time is allowed for grieving. Gus pointed out that the bulk of depression is the result of unresolved grief. Regardless of the kind of loss, people need to be allowed time to mourn their losses. Comments such as: "You're too big to cry;" "Too old to cry;" "Get on with your life;" "Pick yourself up and move on;" thwart the grieving process.

Gus pointed out that "Guilt looks back, worry looks around and faith looks up."

He suggested that we develop time lines on which we record significant events, major losses and medical crises. He noted that the stress from loss is heaviest eighteen to twenty-four months after the event. Negative responses such as alcohol or drugs lead to the next crisis.

As I have reflected upon Gus's presentation and my own loss experiences it strikes me that while we speak about losses on an individual basis, more often than not, they are intricately interwoven. In almost every major loss there are additional losses that must be coped with.

For instance some of the compounded losses of divorce include, finances, possessions, friends, home, fellowship, etc.. Each one must be faced on an individual basis within the context of each other. This can be overwhelming, especially if there is a breakdown in one's support system.

This is where one must develop their coping skills. Earlier I mentioned some of mine. Hugs can be interpreted not only as acceptance, but also a shoulder to cry on. We must learn to be comfortable enough to permit folk to cry in our presence. I believe pastors and true friends will often have tear stained shoulders.

In the midst of great turmoil in his life King David cried out, "You number my wandering; put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?" (Psalm 56:8 NKJV).

Did you ever wonder just how many of your tears would be in our Lord's bottle and recorded in His book? Believe it or not students in the London School of Economics projected that if we lived to seventy, women would shed 18 English gallons of tears and men 12. By U.S. gallon measurements it would equal 21.618 gallons for women and 14.412 for men. I guess we are bawl babies after all!

Just think how much suffering and sorrow is mixed in with all of those tears. One of the most beautiful verses of scripture tells us what is going to become of all those tears and suffering. The Lord tells us, "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things are passed away." (Revelation 21:4) There is hope dear friends!

A year ago I received a vivid picture of what that will be like. I was in the hospital with a severe upper respiratory infection. I could barely breathe and had acute coughing spells. The nurses held my hand and encouraged me to purse my lips and breathe through them. The pain was worse than when I had my quadruple bypass. There is nothing quite like being unable to breathe. Tears ran down my cheeks. While I did not realize it at the time they were flowing into our Lord's bottle.

On some of these occasions, my wife was there when the coughing started. She began to gently stroke my back and said, "It's going to be all right, you're going to get through this. You're going to get through this." As the tears flowed down my cheeks, she reached around and tenderly wiped them away. I little bit of Heaven touched me that day. It was part of the hope that lies ahead. While God's hands are mighty they are also gentle!

There in the hospital I had HUGS. No one entered my room without a hug. There was professional HELP. There was HOPE. My coping also involved poetry. While I was there being cared for, between coughing spells I wrote POETRY about all of the staff who provided care for me. When I got strong enough, at home, I printed it up, put it into a booklet and sent copies to the staff.

As for HUMOR there was some of that too. On the second day of my seven day stay an incident occurred that caused me to suffer the LOSS of my independence. I still chuckle about it. My urinal overflowed. Having been taught to clean up after myself and from my past janitorial experience, I took some paper towels and began wiping up the urine. The nurse came in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was cleaning up after myself. I was assisted back into bed and given a lecture about being a patient and abiding by hospital rules. I was neither to "clean up after myself" nor go to the bathroom alone. I was on "probation!" I began referring to my nurses as my probation officers.

I hope as you suffer loss that you will use HUGS, HELP, HOPE, HUMOR and POETRY to help you work through your loss. Remember, Our Lord, is keeping our tears in HIS bottle and will wipe them all away!

In my next blog I will share with you a humorous poem that helps me deal with the loss of health.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author© 1-23-08 1093