FAMILY FRUSTRATIONS, FEARS & FATALITIES.

This second week of our workshop I want to look at FAMILY FRUSTRATIONS, FEARS & FATALITIES - Dysfunctional Marriage and Separation.

To begin I would like to raise the question: "What are some of the signs of a dysfunctional marriage?"

"THE FEARLESS ARE MERELY FEARLESS, THOSE WHO ACT IN SPITE OF THEIR FEAR ARE TRULY BRAVE" James A. Landford-Lewis

I salute those of you who are facing your fears in the presence of domestic violence. I hope the following will be of help to you.

Physical, verbal and spiritual abuse is an area at the top of my list of the signs of dysfunctional marriages.

While abuse can be by either spouse in most instances it is by the male partner. Statistics show that 85% of domestic violence is against women and only 15% against male partners.

I hope you will look beyond statistics into the eyes and fearful hearts of those women, children and men who are victims of the crime of domestic violence.

As I reflected upon this area in the context of my past volunteer experience I felt I should spend more time presenting it, as it is a major problem facing families today.

Yes, it does happen in Christian homes, too. It is of such major importance that we will spend the whole, slightly longer than usual, session on this aspect of a dysfunctional marriage.

A few years ago I was a volunteer with our local Sheriff's Department. After training I was assigned to patrol duty for a few months. In the fall of 2000, following my recuperation from quadruple bypass surgery I was placed on special assignment with the Victim Witness Unit of the County Attorney's office. A large part of our crisis intervention training focused on sexual assault and victims of spousal and child abuse. It was an eye opener.

While this will make today's session longer, I am attaching some of the material related to domestic violence I received during training. I hope it will be helpful to you. Look with me at the startling statistics:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FACTS

At the time of my training the following statistical facts were presented:

• 1 out of 3 women is sexually abused.\
• Every 7.4 seconds a woman is battered in the United States.
• Over 1.8 million American women are beaten by their partners, although only 1 out of 10 beatings are ever reported.
• Out of 4 million reported incidents of domestic violence each year, almost 20% are aggravated assault.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 than all the car accidents, mugging and rapes combined.
• 42% of murdered women are killed by their intimate male partners.
  

FOR ADDITIONAL UPDATED FACTS GO TO: http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/

You may ask, "Am I in a relationship which may lead to battering?"

Here are some factors to look at:

Yes, you may be a Battered Person if you:

Are frightened of your partner's temper

Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt your partner's feelings or are afraid of your
partner's anger

Have the urge to "rescue" your partner when your partner is in trouble

Find yourself apologizing for your partner's behavior when you are treated badly

Have been hit, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you by your partner when your partner was jealous or angry

Make decisions about activities and friends according to what your partner wants or how your partner will react

Drink heavily or use drugs

Have been abused as a child or seen a parent abused or battered

Another important question to ask is, "Am I possibly a batterer?"

Yes, you may be a Batterer if you:

• Are very jealous
• Sulk silently when upset
• Have an explosive temper
• Criticize and put down your partner a lot
• Have difficulty expressing feelings
• Drink heavily or use drugs
• Believe that it is your role to be in charge, or have contempt for the opposite sex
• Are protective of your partner to the point of controlling
• Control your partner's behavior, money and decisions
• Have broken things, thrown things at your partner, hit, shoved, or kicked your partner when angry
• Were physically or emotionally abused by a parent
• Have a parent who was abusive or a batterer
  

5T603 (289) Arizona Department of Economic Security

With the dangers related to spousal abuse it is important to look at some of the factors that keep battered women in relationships:

WHY BATTERED WOMEN STAY:

While people ask, "Why don't battered women just leave?" the real question is "Why do we, as a society, tolerate such tremendous violence by men against women?"

Instead of blaming the victim, advocates and others need to understand the situation in which battered women find themselves, and the obstacles battered women may encounter in their attempts to leave an abusive relationship.

Her childhood - 60% of battered women grew up in homes where either they were abused or they witnessed their mother's abuse. Many battered women accept violence as a way of life and do not realize that they have a right to not be beaten.

Isolation - Batterers systematically destroy women's friendships and family ties. Many battered women have little contact with other people. Others feel uncomfortable around abuse and withdraw from it. The woman is further isolated by her felt need to hide bruises, black eyes or other injuries. Some women have been met with denial, rejection or abandonment in their attempts to reach out to others for help. Isolation leaves the victim psychologically dependent on the batterer as her only support system.

Economic dependence -Economic abuse is a common tactic used by abusers to retain power over the victim. Many victims are routinely prevented from working and/or gaining marketable skills. She may be denied access to checks, cash or important documents, leaving her economically dependent on the abuser. Government assistance is very limited and many women dread welfare. A victim may feel she has no real alternative.

Low self-worth - After months or years of accepting insults, blame and violence, many women feel they are incapable of taking care of themselves. She may believe that the success or failure of the relationship is all her responsibility. Many battered women feel they are failures as wives, mothers and women because they do not know how to avoid or stop the abuse. The batterer reinforces these beliefs as a means of controlling his victim.

Fear -More battered women are murdered while trying to flee than at any other time in the abusive relationship. The FBI reports that more than 1,400 women are murdered every year by current or former husbands or boyfriends. Statistics show that about 80% of women who stay in abusive relationships do so out of fear. Threats of retaliation against her if she leaves are routine in battering relationships, and the victim has reason to believe that the threats will be carried out.

Batterer's threats often include the woman's friends, children and other family members, so she stays out of fear for the safety of others. Not only the batterer, but his extended
family and friends will often threaten, harass, intimidate and harm the woman if she does seek help.

Fears about whether they will be able to provide for their children also keep women with batterers.

Guilt & shame - Women often believe that they are responsible for the crime. They may feel ashamed about having been beaten or raped. The batterer will reinforce this belief with his undiminished lack of accountability and his contentions that she "provoked" him. They may feel guilty for not figuring out a way to stop the violence themselves, or for separating the children from their father. Societal attitudes help perpetuate victim-blaming.

Promises to change - Women believe batterers' assurances that they are sorry and promise that it will never happen again. She may love him and believe that if she is patient enough, he will stop the violence. While some women want the relationship to continue, they are clear about wanting the violence to stop.

Denial and Minimalization - If the batterer denies or minimizes the abuse, it can be dangerous for the woman to contradict him or to report the intentional injuries as such. The woman may use denial of the abuse as a means of protecting herself.

One of the things that sticks in my mind is the "Cycle of abuse" It is outlined as follows:

Cycle of Violence: (This can cover a long or short period of time)

First comes the EXPLOSION/FIGHT intermeshed with Violence & Fear

This is followed by reconciliation and entry into what is called:

"HONEYMOON" PHASE During this phase:

Behavior Minimized
Loving
Feelings of guilt
Remorse "It will never happen again"

Following this:

TENSION BUILDS During this phase we see:

Poor Communication, Frustation, Stress, Increased conflicts

This spirals into another Explosion/Fight and the cycle repeats itself

This Continuum of Family Violence continues in a downward spiral until intervention helps to break the cycle or murder or suicide occur.



Yes, it is a grim but true picture of the realities of domestic violence.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO HAVE A SAFETY PLAN FOR WHEN VIOLENCE OCCURS.

It is a difficult decision to leave an abusive situation, can be extremely dangerous and must be carefully planned.

I cannot emphasize enough that you be certain to quietly explore local resources that are available to you.

They can provide guidance in helping you develop a plan to leave. You can also obtain assistance by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). In emergencies, 24 hours a day, phone 9-1-1. Old charged cell phones can be used to reach 9-1-1.

Although you may not be considering the possibility, it is very important to be prepared. An abuser often can become more dangerous when they believe their partner is leaving the relationship.

WARNING: Never leave information where it can be readily found by an abusive spouse.

Please take steps to increase your safety and future choices!

My wife remembers the terror she felt when her alcoholic step father argued with and physically abused her mother. As a young child she recalls being threatened by him and having him point a gun at her.

Don't let it continue to happen with your family.

I hope you are in a Christian fellowship that understands the seriousness of domestic violence and will support you during your perilous journey to safety and a vital new life.

THERE IS HEALING AND HOPE FOR YOU AS A VERY SPECIAL CHILD OF OUR LOVING GOD! YOU ARE PRECIOUS IN HIS AND MY SIGHT.

If you are a Christian who is not a victim of domestic violence please learn more about services for victims in your community . Become knowledgable of resources and be available to those who need your support. Help battered women and children gain a fresh start in life.

My special thanks to Toni and Monteze for their insights regarding this subject. We are thankful to have folks like these working in local agencies such as Yavapai Family Advocacy Center, Stepping Stones, Faith House and the Victim Witness Program all of whom are committed to providing support services to victims of domestic violence and other forms of abuse.

I know that today we have looked at a very difficult subject but, I hope it has been helpful to you and that you will join me next week when I present other aspects of dysfunctional marriages.

Remember, each week we will look separately at topics on divorce and remarriage.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author (Copyright 5-29-2007)

FINDING A SOUL MATE

This week I have decided to do the session on Remarriage before the one on Divorce. The upcoming one on divorce needs a little more research so it will be delayed.

Today, let's look at the "F" word Finding A Soul Mate.

Once my healing had progressed I began to face a new challenge. As a divorced Christian could I consider remarriage? It was a question I wrestled with for quite some time. In my book I express it as follows:

For months I struggled with what the Scriptures taught regarding divorce and remarriage. What was God's plan for me?

In Matthew 19:10-12, Jesus spoke very pointedly with the Pharisees concerning divorce and remarriage. He clearly was opposed to both.

However, when His disciples said to Him, "If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry."

Jesus responded to them, "All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother's womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it."

I know there are many who hold to the position that the question raised was only in relationship to marriage.

However, it seems to me, as the disciples raised the issue following a discussion about divorce and remarriage, Christ's response could be seen within the full context of marriage, divorce, and remarriage.

If this were the case, then some men were intended to be married and others to remain single.

Could I accept being single?

The final question became, "Could I best serve Him as a single or married man?"

I remember very clearly on a Thursday evening, while in prayer, a statement by God in Genesis imprinted itself upon my mind.

And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." (Genesis 2:18 NKJV)

This, along with having looked at my strengths and weaknesses both as a single man and what I would have to offer as a married man, I received peace that I could serve my Lord better in the married state.

I became comfortable with the idea of dating and the possibility of remarriage. Would He give me a helper compatible with myself? (p 99)

I recommend that you contemplate one of the questions I raised at the end of this chapter. It is:

What are the factors you must consider to determine whether to remain single or remarry?

I hope you will ponder that question before moving toward a new relationship.

FINDING a soul mate.

The Sunday morning following my Thursday experience I went to church. At the end of the service I walked over to our adult classroom. In my book I recount what happened next:

She sat silently, alone, at the end of the long empty row of chairs. This beautiful blonde with tresses of hair flowing gentlydown to the tips of her shoulders instantly caught my eye.

When I entered the room, she turned and smiled a pleasant smile, accented by her pearly white teeth and blue-grey eyes. We introduced ourselves and began chatting. Her name was Sharon, the flower of the plain, a vision of beauty.

She had been attending the class for six months, but this was the first Sunday I noticedher. How could I have missed seeing her until now? It seemed odd that I should notice her the Sunday following my Thursday prayer experience. (P-103)

In my short conversation with her I learned that she was in the process of divorce, which would be final on the following Friday. Remembering the pain I felt when my final divorce judgement papers arrived, I awkwardly offered to take her to dinner and invited her to our divorced singles' group. She told me later that she thought I was offering her a charity date.

Sharon and I began dating. By the second date I knew that I was falling in love with her. It had been over a year and a half since my former wife and I separated and divorced. A few months before she had remarried.

Obviously, Sharon was still healing from her divorce and was not ready to commit to a new marriage. As all of us should do, she was still trying to resolve various issues and I hadn't been giving her enough space to work them through. I was proposing too often. I reflect this on pages 115-117 of my book:

I slowly realized I was beginning to propose too often-like a broken record. I knew I loved her and she loved me, but I had better back off. I knew she just needed space and time.

This led to a novel way of proposing without pressuring her. I decided to make it an open-ended proposal. In my book you can read about the Universal Institute of Agapediatropha certificate. I asked the doctor for whomSharon worked to present it to her during an impromptu staff meeting.

In addition I gave her several fun redeemable coupons such as a trip to Disneyland, a bicycle ride and picnic; dinner at a restaurant; etc. That evening I prepared a special dinner and presented her with another certificate:

At the end of dinner that evening, I gave her the "Plus One" surprise. It was another certificate that read as follows:

"Great for a Lifetime of Marital Bliss and Fidelity for Ms. Sharon Ryan with Donald E. Cunningham. Sign and Return to him for Satisfaction Guaranteed. Signed by Ima LuVinu" It had a signatureline for her to sign when she had peace about marrying me.

The pressure was off. She was free to take as much time as she wanted to find peace about her decision. Over the next few months, we relaxed and had fun as she redeemed her award coupons. (p 118)

A very important consideration in finding a soul mate is to determine how your personality "matches up" with the other party.

Sharon and I bought a book on questions couples should ask. There wasn’t a question in the book that we had not already discussed.

In my book I relate the results of the Taylor Johnson Temperament Analysis Profile members of our SPICE group took in preparation for a retreat conducted by Dr. Sam. The results for Sharon and me are as follows:

He reserved Sharon and my profiles for his final review. His review of my profile showed me as functioning at excellent levels in all areas. What growth from a man in a dying relationship to one in love. Sharon's profile was also very positive.

After reviewing each one of ours individually, he compared the ones we had completed on each other. He concluded that it was amazing how closely our assessment of each other matched our own individual evaluations. Of course, there was an ever so slight "halo" effect on our evaluations of each other.

How well we had come to know ourselves and each other! I believed we were ready for marriage, but Sharon had not yet returned my proposal certificate. (p 119)

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of taking time to know one another well in all areas of your relationship. Sharon and I are very thankful for our friend Dr. Sam and his willingness to share his Christian marriage and family counseling skills with our divorced singles group.

I would encourage you to find such a counselor and take a test similar to the one I mention above.

PLEASE COME BACK NEXT WEEK WHEN WE WILL LOOK AT FELLOWSHIP AND FAITH.

I hope you will take time to contact me with your comments and questions. You may do so on this blog or by emailing me.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author Copyright 5-28-2007

Remarriage - "F" Word - Finding Oneself

Yesterday we began our workshop focusing on the first "F" word of Divorce. Today, we will begin with a session on Remarriage. Each week we will move to a new "F" word for our study.

I. FINDING ONE SELF - Before seeking another

Many rush into second marriages before healing from the first one. They fail to resolve their life issues which were instrumental in the role they played in their divorce.

Shortly after I received copies of my new book I was reading a copy in a doctor's office. I was in the chapters dealing with remarriage. The receptionist asked me what I was reading. I told her it was my new book about divorce and remarriage. One of the other young Christian workers in the office was in the midst of a divorce and immediately responded quizzically, "You mean I can get remarried."

I told her before even considering it she should be certain she had resolved past issues in her life that may have contributed to her divorce. I suggested that she join a singles' group at a local church. As I was leaving her friend bought my book for her. I have a doctor's appointment this week and am anxious to find out if my book was helpful to her.

I recently read an article on the Psychology Today website. Here is a paragraph from the article.
"If our optimism steers us into marriage, it goes into overdrive with remarriage. Despite the disappointment and the pain and the disruption of divorce, most of us opt to get back on the horse. An astonishing 75% of the broken-hearted get married all over again. And if you count among the remarried those who merge lives and households without legal ratification, the de facto remarriage rate is even higher.

Yet a whopping 60% of remarriages fail. And they do so even more quickly; after an average of 10 years, 37% of remarriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriage."

To read the whole article visit: http://health.yahoo.com/topic/relationships/couple/article/pt/Psychology_Today_articles_pto-20000301-000037

Be certain before you enter into a new relationship that you realistically evaluate your strengths and weaknesses, especially as they affect your relationships with others. A professional Christian counselor can be invaluable in this area.

During my counseling with Dr. Sam he used a helpful tool called the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Profile to evaluate progress. In my book I relate one of the outcomes on the Profile (pg 69 par 4)

"The inner turmoil was being relieved. Nine months after my separation, Dr. Sam had me take another Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis Profile. There were dramatic changes from my previous tests.

I had moved from nervous to more composed; from very depressed to lighthearted; from moderately quiet to socially active; from very inhibited to more expressive and responsive; from indifferent to highly sympathetic; from subjective to more objective; from submissive to mid-line dominant; from moderately hostile to very tolerant; and from very self-disciplined to a more moderate level. Six of the profiles were now in the excellent range;two were acceptable; and one was one point into the improvement desirable range.

I was healing and growing through my divorce! What a blessing and reminder He was etching upon my heart. In this clean platter, I would always see the thin hairline cracks and remember His great Love toward me in putting my life back together. Beyond that was my heart's knowledge that I had been cleansed of each one of those composite sins that had contributed to my divorce. I was free to grow. No, the growth had already begun!"

In the "Divorce" portion of my workshop I will be dealing with some of the personality or sin issues with which I had to deal. If you have not dealt realistically with yours I hope you will join me each week as our workshop reviews some of the issues I dealt with and how I resolved them.

As my healing and cleansing progressed I began to look ahead to my future. Some excerpts from pages 97, 98, and 99 of my book illustrate this.

"I had not been dating. I was to the point in my healing process where I was ready to move from the past to the future. I had passed through the valley of the shadow of divorce and was moving toward the hope of what lay before me. Questions began to swirl in my mind. What is God's will for my life? Is it that I remain single? Should I consider remarriage? If I were to remarry, what would I look for in a wife?

As I enjoy poetry, I began to write a poem about what I would look for in a wife. I wrote a couple of lines when the Lord spoke to my heart. "Wait a minute, Don. You're getting ahead of yourself. The question is not what you want in a wife, but what do you have to offer a wife?"

"I am so prone to get things backward, to put me first. Before thinking about what I would look for in a wife, it was essential for me to take a realistic look at myself. Why should I assume God's plan for my life, at that point, was to remarry?"

... "If I really believed in God's forgiveness and healing, then the areas of my personality that were contributors to my divorce were now areas that I could view as strengths. Strengths, that is, in the sense that they were cleansed areas upon which I could build more wholesome relationships, be they as a single or married person. "

... "My Lord in His love had tenderized my once hardened heart. I was interacting with others in the manner our Lord had intended me to do. I was ready to move on."

As we finalize this session I want to share with you one of the poems from my book. I wrote it following my encounter with the Lord about what I had to offer to a wife.

So Let Me Love

As I pondered about my life,

Asked, "What do I want in a wife?"

Then the thought broke in from the blue,

"What would a wife look for in you?"

A longing to communicate,

A life filled with love, never hate.

Minister to her precious soul,

And make our relationship whole.

Be sensitive to her every mood,

Tender questions never allude.

To see her as my spotless bride,

To hold her near, stand by her side.

To cherish every special dream,

And live together as a team.

To love - caress so tenderly,

Lift up her heart in ecstasy.

To wipe away her glistening tears,

And protect her from hidden fears.

To rub her back and hold her hand,

And let her know I understand.

Now as I look deep down inside,

Holy Spirit, please be my guide.

To be the man I need to be,

I'll need your caring love, You see.

May I so live my fleeting life,

Solely to love my chosen wife,

That when my soul flies up above,

My wife can say, "Oh, how he loved!"

Don

I hope you will visit my website and participate in this free online workshop.

If you happen to join us somewhere along the line just scroll back through previous postings to get caught up. If you have questions or comments please add them below or contact me.

I look forward to hearing from you. If you'd like to order a signed copy of my book, contact me.

Ecclesiastes 3:11. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.

HUGS, IN CHRIST'S AND MY LOVE,

Don E. Cunningham, Author

FOREVER - Marriage is for a Lifetime

ON LINE WORKSHOP - SESSION I - MARRIAGE IS FOR A LIFETIME

Before we begin our first session I know some may wonder why I am dividing each week of our workshop into two parts. The first day's posting will focus on Divorce and the second day's posting will relate to Remarriage.

The reason I am doing this is because I have found that several people visiting my site are looking for information about remarriage. This is a clear indication that those visiting with me are in various stages along the pathway of divorce and remarriage. By working our way through this workshop in a two fold manner I believe I can be more helpful to those seeking guidance concerning divorce and remarriage.

I hope you will interact with me either through comments on my blog or emailing me.

Today, let's talk about divorce. Tomorrow we will consider some points on the issue of remarriage.

As one who believed that a Christian marriage was for a lifetime it was very difficult for me to cope with the trauma of divorce. I struggled long and hard to keep my dysfunctional marriage together. Over the next few weeks I will be sharing with you my experience of divorce and remarriage as related in my book, "Divorce & Remarriage Made Beautiful In His Time."

I desire that as you journey with me you will find hope, healing and a wholesome restored self image. As we walk together through the valley of the shadow of divorce you will find the rich assurance that He makes even divorce beautiful in His time.

Learn what many of us have experienced as we traveled down that lonely, guilt-ridden path. It is a path that can lead to depression and defeat, or to the exhilarating challenge of growth and victory.

During our study we will look at the "Process" of divorce and remarriage. This process is not like a 1, 2, 3 process but has an element of bouncing back and forth between the emotional feelings related to divorce.

As I began working on my outline for this workshop I found that many of the keywords began with "F." (These are not the fearsome "F" words that we hear all around us today) They are words that can come to have special meaning in our lives.

We will begin with the first "F" WORD OF DIVORCE:

I. FOREVER

On page fourteen in my book I say, "In my own Christian experience I was taught both by word and example that Christians don't get divorced. Our Lord hates divorce. When you marry, it is until death do you part. Divorce is not an option for the Christian."

My biblical and pastoral education in a fundamental Christian college ingrained within me the clear teaching that one does not enter into marriage lightly nor do you get a divorce except in the case of adultery. Even in such a situation it is not absolutely necessary that you divorce your partner. Several scholars referenced in my book teach various theological positions on divorce. Only one allows for divorce for causes other than adultery. None allow for remarriage. For a Christian with a background like mine the struggle with the issue of divorce is life shattering.

On page fifteen of my book I raise the question: "Why then, with so much evidence that divorce and remarriage are not an option for the Christian, did I become divorced and remarried? There was never any infidelity on the part of Maria or me. Instead of thirty years of endearing ourselves to each other, why did we find ourselves tragically enduring one another? It was clear that our hearts had become hardened in our relationship."

Christ cited this as the reason God allowed for divorce in the Law of Moses.

Matthew 19:8. He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so." (NKJV)

I will talk more about my interpretation of hardness of the heart in a later session.

Next week we will look at the "F" words Family and Frustration - Dysfunctional marriages.

Remember tomorrow I will be posting a section on the issues of remarriage. It will address
"Finding Oneself"

Ecclesiastes 3:11. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.

HUGS, IN CHRIST'S AND MY LOVE,

Don E. Cunningham, Author

COME TO MY BANQUET - WORKSHOP OUTLINE

As I begin my online workshop I thought it would be helpful to provide you with an outline of the direction I will be taking with this series of articles. There will be two articles in each week's blog. One will deal with dysfunctional marriage and divorce. The other with remarriage.

You will note that the outline is broken down under each of these two themes. We will start at the beginning of each item under the theme and work our way down the outline from there. I will be including applicable portions of texts and poetry from my book

The outline is as follows:

"OVERCOMING THE CHALLENGES OF DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE"

Don E. Cunningham, Author

"F" WORDS OF DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE (Not the "F" words we hear around us)

I. MARRIAGE & DIVORCE:

FOREVER: Symbol of the Ring, There is no end to marriage in a lifetime,

FAMILY: A family is to live in harmony and Love.

FRUSTRATION: When a preconceived fantasy of marriage vanishes frustration enters the relationships. Some factors that lead to this are:

FAILURE: Leads to solid reasons for separation. What are some of these?

FAMILY & FRIENDS: How they affect and are affected by separation, divorce and remarriage:

FEAR OF UNKNOWNS: (Read part of Psalm from my book) and consider some of the fears related to separation, divorce and remarriage.

FELLOWSHIP WITH OUR LORD: Welcomes divorced person to his table and understands our situation.

FRACTURED SELF IMAGE: Ways to move toward healing. View as opportunity to grow. (Shattered Platter) experience.

FORGIVING: Challenge of forgiving self, former spouse and others who hurt us.

II. REMARRIAGE :

FINDING ONESELF: Before seeking another. Resolution of life issues and realistic self evaluation.

FINDING ANOTHER: Who would best match your personality and life interests?

FELLOWSHIP: Take time to come to know each other.

FAITH: Do you have similar spiritual interests?

FRIENDSHIP & FUN: Enjoy one another's presence as your relationship grows. Learn to laugh together.

FRUITION: Give your relationship time to grow.

FOUNDATION: Lay a solid foundation during courtship, honeymoon and early stages of marriage.

FUTURE PLANNING: Plan for your future together including end days.

FOREVER IN LOVE: Sharon's comments.

I hope you will join me on a regular basis as we "banquet" together at our blogger workshop.

You will find it more convenient to visit my site by adding me as a favorite to your website. You can do this very easily by going to my home page and clicking on applicable icon in the lower left hand side of the home page.

If you have questions or comments please make them on my blog or email me.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author

COME TO MY BANQUET

Matthew 22 1. And Jesus answered and spake unto them again by parables, and said, 2. The kingdom of heaven is like unto a certain king, which made a marriage for his son, 3. And sent forth his servants to call them that were bidden to the wedding: and they would not come. 4. Again, he sent forth other servants, saying, Tell them which are bidden, Behold, I have prepared my dinner: my oxen and my fatlings are killed, and all things are ready: come unto the marriage. 5. But they made light of it, and went their ways, one to his farm, another to his merchandise: (KJV)

Have you ever prepared a banquet or dinner, invited folks over and not have them come? Metaphorically speaking, I have had this happen to me at least twice.

Many years ago, I was working my way through college as a family man with two children. I was also a volunteer youth pastor at a Baptist church in Rhode Island. I met with the officers of our youth group and planned a halloween party.

The day of the party the teen youth leaders helped me decorate the hall. The party was to begin at 6:30 p.m. I arrived early, made certain that everything was in order and waited for the kids to arrive. 6:30 came and went but none of the youth arrived. 7:00 p.m. and still no kids came. At 7:30 I went home totally confused.

What had happened?

The following morning before Sunday school I approached Charlie, the teen leader of our group, and asked him what happened. Sheepishly he told me that all of them had gone to a party at the housing project where they lived. They did not mention it to me when we were decorating because, "They did not want to hurt my feelings!" They never knew that the costs of the decorations and food had come out of my meager income as a janitor.

This past weekend I prepared another banquet. It was to be in the form of a workshop I was to present at our local bookstore. It was based on my book, Divorce and Remarriage Made Beautiful In His Time." I spent many hours developing my outline and materials for the presentation.

Barnes & Noble put up posters and displayed my books prominently for several weeks in advance of the event. I wrote up news releases for our local papers. Saturday, as promised, Barnes & Noble staff set up a table and several chairs for the event.

Sharon and I arrived early and carried in our workshop material. Everything was in order, but no one, other than three of my friends came

As we were driving home from my non-workshop the above verses of Scripture came to mind. It redirected my thinking as to where I should spread out my banquet. What better way could there be than to share it with those who come to visit me on my blog.

In the coming weeks I will be taking parts of my outline and sharing them with you. I know some of you are visiting my site because you are in a divorce situation and are looking for answers. Others come to visit who are considering remarriage.

Each week I will publish part of my outline on portion dealing with divorce and another portion concerning remarriage.

Quotes from my book will be shared with you. I hope you will find it interesting and helpful.

Let's begin with the first four paragraphs from the introduction in my book.

Several years ago, during her lecture on death and dying, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was asked, "How do you explain anything as horrible as death to a child?"

Dr. Kubler-Ross responded, "With that attitude, you don't."

Those in the early, traumatic stages of divorce may be struggling with a very similar question. "How am I going to get through the horrible death of a relationship?"

This book speaks to that question. Walk with me through the valley of the shadow of divorce in to the rich assurance that He makes even divorce beautiful in His time. Learn what many of us have experienced as we travel down that lonely, guilt-ridden path. It is a path that can lead to depression and defeat, or to the exhilarating challenge of growth and victory.

I hope that in the coming weeks you will come and feast at the banquet I have prepared for you.

Hugs, In Christ's & My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author

OUR SINGING WAITRESS

This is the second in a series of articles I am writing about hugs. I have changed the names of people in this series to protect their privacy. Just in case you can't tell, I am a strong believer in the healing and comforting power of hugs.

It was our first overnight bus trip in over two years. I have a myriad of health problems and was testing the waters to see how I would hold up. On our way to Tucson, we stopped at Basha's Western Art Museum. There were over 1500 works of art to enjoy. I took fifty or sixty pictures with my digital camera. When we arrived at our hotel I checked my camera to see how many mega pixels were left. I pressed the wrong arrow on the camera. When I pressed the set button the camera reformatted the disk.

I felt so badly about losing all of the photos that I knew I couldn't rest. I walked down the street to another art museum and gallery. No photo taking was allowed. I wandered through it. When I arrived back at our hotel, Sharon had awakened. I told her about losing all of the photos and how badly I felt. She reminded me that we still had them in our heads and our hearts.

By early evening I was beginning to feel the strain of the trip. The final plan for the night was to have dinner and attend a country-western dinner show. I was beginning to wonder if I would be able to make it through the night.

We were seated as a group. The host explained how the dinner would proceed and gave a little history of the singing group. He told us that our waitresses would be with us shortly.

As he walked away, our waitress approached our table with a broad smile across her face,
"Hi, I'm Lois, and I'll be your waitress this evening."

I responded with, "Hi, I'm Don, this is my wife, Sharon and I will by your hugger tonight."

Her arms flew open and her eyes sparkled, "Oh, I LOVE HUGS!" She exclaimed.

A gentleman at our table commented that he didn't believe in hugging people you just met. I smiled and said, "Great, I'll take his hug, too." Another hug followed.

I usually hug waitresses and other staff when I meet them and when we are leaving. This turned out differently. Throughout the evening, when serving us, she stretched out her arms for more hugs. Lois was one of the most outgoing waitresses I ever met. Her smile was contagious. She also had a knack for idle banter.

About halfway through the musical program the spokesman announced that their singing waitress was going to sing for the group and a special friend. As our waitress flowed gracefully across the stage she threw me a kiss. I had not realized our waitress was also a singer. Her beautiful voice burst forth with “Help Me Make It ThroughThe Night.” She was dynamite!

Shortly after she sang, I felt her hand on my shoulder. As I turned to see who it was she smiled and said, "I sang that just for you, Sweetie." I thanked her and we shared another hug.

When the program was over I walked over and thanked her. We gave each other a parting hug. As Sharon and I turned to leave, she repeated, "I sang that just for you, Sweetiie." I believe we both realized that we had helped each other, "Make It Through The Night!"

Don E. Cunningham (Copyright 5/2/07)