LAYING A FIRM FOUNDATION FOR MARRIAGE

Laying a firm foundation during courtship, honeymoon and early stages of marriage are essential for a lasting relationship. Couples must share their dreams and work together to reach them.

Last week I referred to Sharon and I knowing one another well from taking the time for chats and observations. During our courtship we were laying a foundation that would lead to a rich fulfilling relationship for both of us. We have shared over twenty six wonderful years in a loving relationship.

We planned our wedding together right down to making our own sandwiches and decorations. All of the members of our singles' group played significant roles in our wedding plans. I detail much of it in my book (Pgs 132 & 133).

Do it Yourself Wedding Plans

With Sharon being an artist, we decided to decorate the
church and reception hall ourselves, design our wedding invitations
and thank-you notes, and prepare all of the refreshments,
except for the wedding cake.

Maggie, my secretary, did the calligraphy
for our invitations and thank-you notes. We had them
printed by a local printer. I addressed the envelopes, inserted
the invitations, and mailed them out.

Sharon busied herself with redesigning a plain dress into
a wedding gown. She also made a hand-made, flower-crested,
white net veil. I wouldn't see these until our wedding day.

She also made several soft sculptures, little red cupid cherubs. They
would be placed on valentine hearts and crepe flowers as table
decorations. Some hung from the ceiling where red and white
crepe streamers crossed. In the center of the room hung a large,
fold-out crepe heart. Then she created flowered crepe bows
with streamers to hang on the pew ends.

Sharon had several pink and green loaves of bread baked
at a local bakery. We trimmed away the crusts and cut them
into heart shapes with a cookie cutter. Then began the fun of
spreading various spreads and cold cuts on them. Only a couple
of days remained before the wedding bells would chime.

In preparing for our wedding we were learning to work together in harmony, laying a foundation for our future together. Throughout our marriage that harmony of spirit has blessed and strengthened our relationship. (pg 151)

One afternoon, about ten months after our marriage, Sharon
came home from the market. I could tell by the downcast
look on her face that something had upset her. I asked her what
was wrong, and she burst into tears.

I held her for a few moments. The tears stopped, and she said she had seen our pastor. He asked her if we had had our first argument yet.

When she said, "No," he told her that if we hadn’t argued yet our marriage
wasn't normal. It crushed her.

I told her that it is the norm for most couples to argue, so it
was obvious that our marriage was not normal. It was above the
norm, making it more beautiful. A broad smile crossed her face.
Twentt-five years later, it is still above the norm!

The two poems Sharon and I wrote to one another as we approached our wedding day give a picture of love for one another and the expectations we had as we entered into marriage. Our poetry over the years indicate the firm foundation that was laid. (Pgs 138-140)

SHARING AND CARING

What will it be like after that wonderful day,
When we walk down the aisle and start on our way?
What kind of joy and peace will be deep in our hearts,
When we've united as one our two separate parts?

The old scars of the past must be well understood,
So that they can heal and really work for our good.
If they hurt us when the storms of life we must face,
Pain will remind each of us to exercise grace.

To support one another as we have growing pains,
Through our experiences we'll show marriage gains.
To actively listen when our hearts we must bare,
And give reassurance that we really care.

When tensions arise as they assuredly will,
To look at the causes with our love and our skill;
God's Word will set the standards and will be our guide,
With our love and affection, be gently applied.

We promise each other and our Great God of love,
We will pray and seek guidance through the Holy Dove;
To walk with each other hand and hand throughout life,
We'll be sharing and caring as husband and wife.

Caring while waiting to be sharing,
Love,
Don

OPEN HEART

Don -
So much love you give me, so wide open and free,
Oh, so open your heart is when you look at me.
There are times I've looked away so you wouldn't know
Just how deeply I cared, how you've made my love grow.

Or how much I longed to give it all, without stop,
For my love overflows - it is filled to the top.
So much energy it takes to stay in control -

To release love slowly when I want to give the whole.

I guess I've been cautious and so afraid of pain,
Afraid of our hurting if our love should wane.
In not wanting to make another mistake,
I've sought restraints for my heart, for both our sake.

But then when I've seen you so fearlessly giving
And, loving me, making me glad to be living -

How can I do anything but give all I am?
Follow your lead; offer the whole - every last dram.

If there's hurt then so be it, God knows my fate,
Here my love comes a-flooding - you've opened the gate!

Sharon

Don & Sharon On Honeymoon February 16, 1981

I hope you will join me next week when we Plan for the Future. I will be addressing making long range family plans.

HUGS, IN CHRIST'S AND MY LOVE,
Don E. Cunningham, Author © June 27, 2007 973

DIVORCE'S AFFECT ON FAMILY AND FRIENDS

This week we will be looking at Divorce's affect upon FAMILY AND FRIENDS and their responses to it. Last week we referred to the family mobile as it related to the nuclear family. We see that the mobile illustration may also be applied to extended family and friends.

My divorce experience found my extended family to be supportive while friends became divided regarding their interaction with me. There were both pointing fingers and helping hands.

In the Christian community where I fellowshipped there were false accusations and pointing fingers. (Ch 2 pg, 33 - 3 pars)

It was the first Sunday following my final separation from
Maria. I was walking across the church parking lot. A couple
from the church asked me why Maria was not with me. I told
them we were separated and getting divorced.

"Divorce, you're getting divorced?" he said, pointing and
jabbing his finger a hair's breadth from my nose. "Christians
just don't get divorced."

"Well, I'm a Christian, and I'm getting divorced, so I
guess some of us do," I replied weakly in a state of guilt-ridden
shock.

"I doubt that you are." he said.

He and his wife spun around and marched self-righteously
across the parking lot to church. Stunned, hurt and angry, I
stood there with, "Christians just don't get divorced!" ringing in
my ears.

Why was I so angry? His reaction was the way I may
have reacted a few years before. Why can a person's pointing
finger hit you as hard as though it were a cast stone?

My two sons and their wives were supportive to both of us, preferring not to choose sides. I know it was uncomfortable for them when we both arrived at their homes for birthdays and holidays. On more than one occasion I left early to prevent confrontations in front of them. I believe extended family should not be exposed to the biting comments sometimes made by divorcing couples.

My family members back in upstate New York provided long distance support. I found them phoning more often than they previously had. They always had words of encouragement for me.

I was surprised when several friends found it necessary to choose sides. Some spouses may differ in their feelings, thus creating stress in their relationship. (Pg 34 par 4)

Over the next few weeks, I found some of my dearest
friends and neighbors choosing sides. Several totally rejected
me. One of my two best buddies was told by his wife that
he could have nothing further to do with me. I am certain he
mourned the breaking of that tie as much as I did. It was one of
the worst casualties of the death of my marriage.

It is lamentable that some former spouses will actually go to mutual friends and place them in the position of needing to choose one or the other as their friend. Just imagine how difficult it must be, under those circumstance, for them to bring their lives back into balance.

Some friends are able to maintain a balance and are supportive of both.

One couple we were close to walked that path with us. They would listen but never condemn either party.

This wonderful couple invited me to their home for a weekend. They knew I loved working with my hands and asked me to help repair a back fence that had blown down during a Santana wind.

My "Love cave" experience (Ch 4 pg 52)

What a wonderful weekend we spent in the love cave. The
Lord was using my dearest friends to begin the healing process.
They gave me a relaxed weekend. I did what I enjoyed
and basked in their silent, soothing love. I had stayed with
friends yet wandered the hills of my childhood. There were two
love caves that weekend - their home and my cave at Diamond
Rock.

I found my fellow workers very supportive. I was invited out to lunch, for walks during breaks, to their homes for dinner and to visit their churches with them. They were like an extended family to me.

My secretary and her husband realizing how tense I was made an appointment for me to get a massage. Never having had one, and hearing the rumors about them, I hesitated to go. They insisted and I finally decided to accept their gift. When I laid down on the massage table my muscles were as rigid as steel. The soothing music and strong, yet gentle hands, soon had me relaxed and almost dozing. What a sensitive gift they had given me.

My social worker friends were good listeners. They helped with my healing, by not only listening supportively, but pointing out some of the errors in thinking and the humor in my situation. There is a difference between making light of divorce and seeing some of the humor in it.

It is important to surround yourself with supportive friends and not isolate yourself. A good laugh with a close friend can help you make it through the nightmare of divorce.

Next week we will be looking at Fellowship with our Lord. Does God forsake us when we divorce? The answer from the books of the law and prophets may surprise and bless you.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author © 6/26/07 873

FRUITION - MOVING TOWARD REMARRIAGE

This week in our Remarriage session we will be looking at giving your relationship time to grow and move toward fruition. Before jumping back into marriage it is important that couples take time to really know each other. Divorcemagazine.com cites statistics (1997) that show 60% of remarriages end in divorce. The more a couple know and understand each other the greater the possibility that their second marriage will last.

Following our seventh anniversary Aunt Joyce said to Sharon, in a very serious tone, "I can breathe easier now, your first marriage lasted seven years, but you and Don are still like honeymooners." Sharon and I roared with laughter. Interestingly statistics show that seven years is the median for divorces occurring in second marriages.

During our courtship Sharon and I enjoyed sharing our life stories with one another. Being open and listening to one another is basic in establishing a solid relationship. It is important to kow what your partner is going to bring to your marriage. What is the history you are going to carry into your marriage?

A sound relationship takes nurturing that must begin during courtship and continue on into your married years. Remember to nurture plants you must know what kind of plant it is and what care it needs to improve growth. And so it is with marriage. Learn to know own another's strengths and weaknesses so that you can nurture one another in love.

Learn to enjoy one another's presence. If you see areas of incompatibility realize that these can drastically affect your relationship after marriage. If there are major personality differences think hard and long before entering into that relationship. It is rare that you can "change" someone after you marry. Don't be deluded about your love being able to win the other person over. Change comes from within an individual. Can't expect a person to change after remarriage if they haven't changed during their divorce experience.

As I noted in a previous session, during our courtship Sharon and I took the Taylor Johnson Temperament Profile. We had a very close match up. Testing may be a good way for a couple to better learn the strengths and weaknesses within their relationship and work toward a more solid marriage.

Jim Smoke's book "Growing in Remarriage" refers to Seasons of marriage. I believe the seeds sown during courtship helps you enjoy the fruit of your labor in marriage. In my book I wrote the following (P 153):

In his book, Growing in Remarriage, Jim Smoke devotes a
chapter to "The Seasons of Marriage." It illustrates the stages
of remarriage growth through the four seasons of the year. The
seeds of love Sharon and I had sown in the spring of our courtship
and marriage had taken root. Summer had warmed and
nurtured them into strong, growing plants. We had the beauty
of flowers all around us. The vegetables and fruits that would
nourish our marriage were growing toward the harvest of an
abundant life together. There were none of the bugs or weeds
in our relationship that sometimes plague remarried couples.
While there were some health trials trying to take root, we were
enjoying our marital bliss.

Frequently, in this workshop I make reference to the role poetry played in our courtship and continues to play in our marriage. The two poems that follow were written just before Sharon accepted my proposal to marry. (Pgs 124 & 125)

Sharon - My Rose

Sharon, my rose, as life unfolds,
Your clear beauty my eye beholds.
Your fragrance floats through my life's air
Bringing such sweetness - Oh, so fair.

Your body soft, so very slim
Designed and special built by Him
Enshrines a tender heart of love
And lifts me to the heights above.

The stars seem closer than before
My soul cries out, "I love you more."
Let mind conceive and heart confess
You bring undying happiness.

Your beauty like your hair is gold
I'm blessed by God, you to behold.
The deep still pools I peer into -
Your sparkling eyes of gray and blue.

Your lips so warm, so soft with charm
Speaking with love can bring no harm.
Your dainty hands with special touch
Lift up my soul so very much.

Bow drawn across a violin
Brings forth sweet music from within.
And your soft words breathed in my ear
Speak to my heart with joy and cheer.

Our arms enfold in warm caress
A token of togetherness.
The beauty of our first embrace
Leaves on my soul its special trace.

In Fathomless Love,

Don

Battle of the Heart
Response to Poem "Sharon - My Rose" and Rose I gave her

Oh, you were out to
win my heart
and I
to fight the giving,
The contest wasn't
fair, you see,
for love's
a need for living.

What moment was it
that you won?
when was
the tender hour?
That time of capture
of my heart
by your
poem and your flower!

Sharon

It is my prayer, that as you move through courtship and on into marriage that your relationship over the years will be as blessed as Sharon and mine. Next week we will look at Foundations of Remarriage.

Hugs, In Christ's Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author © 6/19/07 839

DIVORCE - FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

This week, in order to make my outline flow sequentially, I have decided to revise it slightly and present "Fear of the Unknown" before presenting divorce's affect on Family and Friends.

A major obstacle that is keeping individuals in dysfunctional marriages is a FEAR of the unknown. What is going to happen if I leave this relationship? There are bound to be losses, but there will also be gains. Everyone in the family will be faced with major adjustments. For a time the feelings of loss will be overwhelming.

In my book I cite an illustration which may be helpful in understanding this. (P 29 and 30).

Several years ago I was in a workshop conducted by a social
work professor named Bea Sommers. One of her illustrations
left a lasting impression upon me. She used a baby's crib
mobile to illustrate the adjustment that each family member
must make to keep the family in balance. Whenever a member
leaves or returns to it, each member adjusts at his or her own
pace.

I can only imagine how badly children are thrown off
balance when their parents argue, fight, separate, and reunite
in cyclical patterns. Is such a living environment really what
is best for the children? If this is the pattern, parents need to
seriously consider divorce.

Professional family and marriage counseling should be an intricate part of this decision making
process. Whatever the decision, counseling should continue to support the family as they strive to bring their family "mobile"into balance.

When there are children in the home their welfare and safety must be a major consideration. Under no circumstance can ABUSE OR NEGLECT BE TOLERATED.

While some speak of child support from only a financial aspect, I believe we need to view it in a much wider perspective. Children need their parents' and extended family's support emotionally, financially, physically, psychologically, socially, educationally and spiritually.

To abuse or neglect them in any of these areas will place burdens upon them they may carry with them into adulthood. (I have posted some of my observations regarding poverty and homelessness. You may find it helpful.)

How parents relate during and after divorce has a major effect on their children. They must be realistic and honest when speaking to their children about divorce and help them to know that the divorce was not caused by them.

Parents who bad mouth one another to their child in an attempt to gain the child's loyalty and create distance between the child and the other parent are confusing and damaging the child. Children are not to be used as weapons on the parents' battleground of divorce. There are no winners in such a war.

Even though they divorce, both parents have a responsibility to support their child. If they fail to do so they should be held accountable to the full extent of the law. True love of children demands that parents provide for them to the best of their ability. Where love fails to care for a child law must take over.

If the couple own property it should be distributed equitably. A wise arbitrator can be of assistance in this area. If lawyers are involved, each party should have their own legal advisor. In all important areas such as this it is important to have wise professional counseling.

For single parents it is essential to have short and long range financial plans. Learning to budget is critical. Years ago, when I supervised an Aid to Families with Dependent Children with Unemployed Parents unit, we worked extensively with them to gain employable skills, including basic education: find employment; transportation; medical care; and independence. I had one worker who specialized in budget counseling and making long range financial plans with recipients.

For our extended families, society and churches to expect a single parent to deal with these tremendous responsibilities alone is ludicrous and counter to scripture. Based on a couple of core Old Testament verses I consider single mothers and their children in the same category as widows and orphans. I will deal with those wonderful verses in a later session.

I once did a study on widows in scripture and learned that the books of history, law, poetry, prophecy, gospel, and epistles all speak of God's love and concern for the widow. Should not we have the same attitude of love toward the "widow and orphan" in our midst?

Some of the scriptures I want to look at today speak to the issue of widows and orphans:

Exodus 22:22 - 27 "You shall not afflict any widow or fatherless child. If you afflict them in any way, and they cry at all to Me, I will surely hear their cry; and My wrath will become hot, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives shall be widows, and your children fatherless. If you lend money to any of My people who are poor among you, you shall not be like a moneylender to him; you shall not charge him interest.

If you ever take your neighbor's garment as a pledge, you shall return it to him before the sun goes down. For that is his only covering, it is his garment for his skin. What will he sleep in?"

Isaiah 1:17. Learn to do good; seek justice, reprove the oppressor; defend the fatherless, plead for the widow.

James !:27 - Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.

Malachi 3:5. And I will come near you for judgment; I will be a swift witness against sorcerers, against adulterers, against perjurers, against those who exploit wage earners and widows and the fatherless, and against those who turn away an alien because they do not fear Me,'' says the Lord of hosts.

In the light of these scriptures how can Christians begrudge church funds and public assistance to single parents and children? Especially, when we consider many are working parents who receive aid do so because they are paid such low wages. In those cases, in reality, aren’t we paying subsidies to millionaire and billionaire owners of companies who refuse to pay living wages? Yes, scripture does speak to that question!

Read on:

Lamentations 5: 1- 5 Remember, O Lord, what has come upon us; look, and behold our reproach! Our inheritance has been turned over to aliens, and our houses to foreigners. We have become orphans and waifs, our mothers are like widows. We pay for the water we drink, and our wood comes at a price. They pursue at our heels; we labor and have no rest.

Could the aliens and foreigners in our day be credit card companies, banks and mortgage companies?

Dear weary children and single parent is this the reality with which you identify? It is for many. Take heart our Lord has a message of hope for us! Let us continue.

John 14:15 - 18. "If you love Me, keep My commandments. And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. "I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you."

Perhaps you are at the point I was when I wrote "A Psalm of Separation and Divorce." The full Psalm follows:

A Psalm of Separation and Divorce

I was alone and in my distress I cried
unto thee -there is no hope,
Take me home, Lord, take me home.

My wife disavowed me - drove me out
then continued to rail at me
She and her friend laughed at me - at
the point of despondency

I cried out to thee, Lord - the room echoed
with my crying, my eyes were
sore, my heart sick - yet You did not answer me.

Oh, take me home, Lord, take me home.
My old friends pointed out my sins and cut me off,
I was an island of despair - despised,
rejected, isolated and depressed.
How can I escape? Take me home, Lord, take me home.

My soul withered within me, I cried
in the darkness of the night
I walked as a zombie through the day.
My work reflected the shattered,
broken thoughts of my mind. Scattered
papers covered my desk as though
blown about by the wind of torment in my soul.

My fruitfulness withered, the limbs of my
body hung down under the heavy
burden of guilt and despair -Are you

there, Lord, are you there?
The question throbs and echoes in my brain.

My wife says, "I am lonely, return, return."
My heart says, "Yes!"
My mind says, "Reflect!
What has changed? Have you? Has she?"
Oh, Lord, I need time to think through our
broken dreams and future hope.
Unless I or she - no - we can forgive and
forget there is no hope - our
marriage agonizes in the death throes.

Must it die? Lord, must it die?

I see her sitting there despondent,
despairing, her eyes are sunken,
blue eyes circled with red, rimmed, as it
were, with ashen colored eye lids.
She too mourns and suffers the pangs of
the death of our marriage. We
talk. Perhaps it can survive!

Her friend says, "She plans to wait, then divorce you."

My anger rises. Misled again.
I ask, "Is it true? Is it true?"
"She should not have told you that." she replies.
"But, is it true, is it true?"
"YES"
Anger, fear, rejection, loss, all flood in and overwhelm me. A
hurricane of torment whirls and swirls
about me. My soul cries out,
"Why, Lord, Why?"

The sullen, sunken, rotting corpse of our
marriage glares at me with hollow eyes.
My lips cry out, "If it is dead, bury it."
Oh, to pull those words back.
She speaks, "I will on Monday."
An apology does not help.
Can that which is dead be resurrected with a few words?
It is over, Lord, it is over.

Don Cunningham

After reading my Psalm you may want to write one of your own. Later, when you reflect back upon it you will see how you are progressing and growing along your journey of divorce.

I know that these early sessions on divorce have been difficult and I appreciate your patience. Next week we will begin moving from hurt to healing as we look at divorce's affect on Family and Friends.

For those of you who would like to review material on poverty and homelessness please read my posting made earlier today.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author © 6-18-07 1829

OBSERVATIONS ABOUT POVERTY AND HOMELESSNESS

While writing my on line workshop session about Fear of the Unknown my thoughts reflected upon those many young mothers with limited work skills who become divorced and how our society's system will treat them and their children.

I have placed my observations into this separate posting as they are not a part of my original workshop outline.

As one of the wealthiest nations on earth and with many religious groups having immense budgets it is tragic and disgraceful that so many children live in poverty.

It is not my intent to get into political issues, but having worked as a social worker for thirty years I cannot remain silent on these overwhelming social issues. When I supervised the Aid to Family with Dependent Children program, one third of the single parents on our caseloads were working poor. Many others found jobs that paid enough to be off aid within two years.

To those who say, "Lazy welfare mothers should get out and get a job?"

I respond. "Many of them do, why aren't they paid a living wage?"

There is a vast difference between the "right to work laws" and the reality of the need for the "right to a living wage" legislation.

Several times over the years, because I was a social worker, I have been accused by religious friends of not being a conservative Christian. In reality, it is because I am a conservative Christian that I have such social concerns.

I recently read an article on poverty published by the National Center Children In Poverty.

A portion of the article follows:

In 2004, approximately 18 percent of all children in the United States lived in poverty. Over the last five years, child poverty has risen substantially, increasing by 12 percent. After hitting a low of 12.1 million children in 2000, more than 1.4 million children have been added
to the poverty rolls, becoming members of this country's "new poor."

Children who grow up in poverty experience significant hardships that can have lasting effects well into adulthood.

Families typically require an income equal to twice the federal poverty level to meet their basic needs. Although the federal poverty level is widely acknowledged to be a flawed measure of families' economic insecurity, it is the source of official statistics and widely used by the media and others to describe the level of economic need in the United States.

Furthermore, eligibility for many public programs is based on the poverty level. Understanding what accounts for trends in these official statistics will help policymakers craft better public policies to prevent families from living in poverty.

At the national level, family characteristics have had little relationship with whether children experienced increasing poverty between 2000 and 2004. Overall, increases in U.S. child poverty did not vary by parents' employment status, parents' education level, or parents' nativity.

These national statistics mask varying economic realities across regions. This report examines regional differences in the family characteristics of children who have seen
the greatest rise in poverty.

During the last five years, children living in the Midwest experienced the biggest increases in child poverty, accounting for 43 percent of the national rise in the number of poor children. From National Center Children in poverty

Just think almost one in every five children in the United States is below the poverty level. If it takes twice the income above the poverty level to meet basic needs, imagine how many more children in the United States are living with unmet basic human needs!

Looking at this in another context, homeless children, we can see how low income jobs, high housing costs and some parents failure to make child support payments further damages children.

Abstract: In 2000, there were at least 930,000 school-age homeless children on the nation's streets, according to the Education Department - and only 621,000 attended classes. Since then, no national statistics on homeless youth have been compiled, but the New York Times says state figures suggest the numbers are rising. Between 2002 and 2003, for instance, the number of school-age homeless kids attending Maryland schools increased from 5,605 to 7,322.

During that same period, the overall number of homeless youths in Oregon grew from 21,000 to 28,600. In Colorado, the number of enrolled homeless rose from 4,103 to 5,963. "Schools are often the only safe haven these students have when home life disintegrates." says Sue Steele, coordinator of the homeless student initiative for the Wichita, Kan, school system (end of abstract)

It is clear to me that neither major political party has adequately addressed the issues of poor, low income children.

No where in Scripture can I find God making reference to "deserving poor" it is simply poor. Nor, to my knowledge is "trickle down" economics cited in the Word.
Yet, these are terms we hear frequently used across our nation.

In today's business section of our paper there was an article on the wealthiest getting wealthier. A chart showed that the top .01% have 3% of the wealth and the top 10% have 45% of the wealth. It seems to me that we have a "gushing up" economy.

These same wealthy individuals pay substandard minimum wages, with no health insurance benefits, to struggling workers. They then complain because their underpaid workers' collect welfare and get health care at public expense. From my perspective the low income employed are not so much the beneficiaries of welfare as are those employers who pay inadequate wages!

It is not the working poor we should censure it is the moguls who are scraping the cream off the top of our economic milk bottle. In the same article the author makes reference to some buying $700,00 pens and $40,000 purses and that luxury item sales are increasing by double digits.

Our society and churches need to work toward a more equitable distribution of wealth, so that the needs of children are adequately met. It is a major challenge that is yet to be addressed.

The reality is we are not all created equal, nor does our society treat us equally.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author
Retired Social Worker and Lay Pastor. © 6-18-07 959

A FAITH BASED RELATIONSHIP

In our session on "Finding A Soul Mate" I related that Sharon and I met in Sunday School. What better place for a couple to meet than in God's house.

It was at church and in our divorced singles' group (SPICE-Single Persons In Christian Service) that our relationship was nurtured and blossomed. Our second date was at a SPICE picnic. (p 106 -107)

The following morning, I drove over to Sharon's apartment.
We went to the market to pick up some picnic supplies.
We chatted almost non-stop as we prepared sandwiches for the
picnic.

How comfortable she made me feel. Her gentle laugh
and sense of humor began to shine through. Most of our singles
showed up for the picnic, but Sharon and I stayed pretty much
to ourselves as we shared glimpses of our pasts with each other.

It was refreshing to walk along the beach, chatting and laughing
together. It had been a long, long time since I had felt this
happy and free.

As Sharon and I were driving home from the picnic she sensed that my mood had changed and asked me what was wrong. I told her I could become very serious about her and was concerned about our fourteen year age difference and early deaths in my family. I did not want to hurt her.

Her mature faith response hit me right between the eyes. (P 107)

"So, what's wrong with that? It seems like I should be the
one who is worried,"

"I just wouldn't want to see you get hurt."

"Is it better to risk a few months or years of happiness or
just go through life worrying about getting hurt or dying? Don't
you believe the Lord guides us in these things?" Sharon queried.

We arrived at Sharon's door. "You're quite a lady," I responded.

"If it's all right, I'll pick you up for church tomorrow."

As I drove home I reflected on our interaction. (P 107)

What a lady, and what a mature way to look at life relationships!
We were peers in so many ways. Why let arbitrary age
differences block a few days, months, or years of sharing our
lives?

Almost from the beginning when I looked into her bluegrey
eyes, I knew this was the lady the Lord had designed specially
for me. Certainly she was a newer design than I had been
expecting! Already she was becoming my very special lady!

Of course, it was not that simple for Sharon. It took several months
for the Lord to give her peace of heart and mind about me.

Throughout our courtship our faith and church was central. We spent Sunday mornings and evenings in our worship services. Many Wednesdays we attended prayer meetings and on Tuesday evenings met with our SPICE group.

As Christians it is important that we share similar faith values. During those difficult days when everything around you seems to be crumbling being able pray, read God's Word together and share your faith becomes the sustaining force in your relationship. To thank the Lord with your spouse for your food and the many blessings He bestows makes every day special.

Over the years our faith relationship has continued and seen us through many difficult times.
As I have mentioned in earlier sessions poetry played an important role throughout our courtship and marriage. Many of them relate not only our love for each other but our Lord's special touch on our lives and relationships. I wrote the following poem when Sharon was still struggling whether or not I was the person our Lord had designed for her. (P 111)

Sharon on My Mind

How close to God I feel with you,
Refreshed garden with morning dew.
The poems you write enrich my soul,
Your gentle words make me feel whole.

I look into your eyes—blue-gray,
A special message they do say,
They speak of love, also of fear,
Rest in my arms—protected dear.

Please take your time, be very sure,
My love is kind, my motives pure.
For if we have not basic trust,
Our spring of love will dry to dust.

Lives should not be like desert dry,
But soar like eagles in the sky;
And ever grow to heights above,
Be built upon undying love.

Sharon, so gentle, sweet and kind,
You are always on my mind.
My every thought of you is blessed,
And in each one is peaceful rest.

Thoughts of love,

Don

I hope, that as you contemplate remarriage, you spend a great deal of time sharing your faith with each other. Hopefully, both of you share a daily refreshing walk with your Lord as you journey toward a blessed life together.

Next week join me when I will be presenting Fruition. Giving time for a relationship to mature.

HUGS, IN CHRIST'S AND MY LOVE,

Don E. Cunningham, Author © June 12, 2005 816

FAILED & FLAWED RELATIONSHIPS - REASONS FOR SEPARATION

Over the last two workshop sessions we have looked at elements in dysfunctional marriages. In the segment on Domestic Violence one of the areas I outlined is the importance of planning a way to get out.

This week we will be looking at Reasons for separation in a FAILED and FLAWED relationship.

One major reason for separation in a dysfunctional marriage is to diffuse physical and/or verbal abuse. Please go back and review my discussion of being careful in making an exit plan in cases of domestic violence.

The cause for the first separation in my marriage is related in my book as follows (p 24):

We continued to argue over minor things. On occasion,
Maria would become hysterical and throw things at me. During
one such episode, she pulled off her wedding ring, threw
it into the garbage disposal, and turned the disposal on. After
turning it off, she took the badly defaced ring and threw it at me.
This led to our first separation. It lasted a little over one month.

Another reason to separate is to seek counsel and ameliorate a stressful situation.

When the pressure becomes so intense that one or the other marriage partner leaves, and is uncertain about reconciliation it is advisable to seek wise counsel.

While the verses I am quoting from Exodus 18:17-20 are within a totally different context than the marriage relationship the insight from Jethro to Moses may be helpful for it demonstrates two sources of Counsel one from a very wise man and the other from our Lord.

17. So Moses' father-in-law said to him, "The thing that you do is not good.
Both you and these people who are with you will surely wear yourselves out. For this thing is too much for you; you are not able to perform it by yourself."

"Listen now to my voice; I will give you counsel, and God will be with you: Stand before God for the people, so that you may bring the difficulties to God."

"And you shall teach them the statutes and the laws, and show them the way in which they must walk and the work they must do."

King David rejoiced after seeking counsel of God Psalm 16: 7. I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel; My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.

How important it is to seek God's counsel through His word. For there is much in His word that can help us in our relationships.

His counsel is not only for one's present crisis but it is everlasting. How reassuring the following verses are.

Psalm 33:11. The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations.

Psalm 73:24. You will guide me with Your counsel, And afterward receive me to glory.

To gain a clearer perspective it is also important to seek wise counsel.

Proverbs 11:14. Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

To me a Christian Psychologist or a Christian Family and Marriage Counselor can play an important role in clarifying a relationship.

Proverbs 12:15. The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise.

Proverbs 19:20. Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days.

Separation can also be a time to gain a clearer perspective on the relationship.

Based on my Christian beliefs and my view of the sanctity of marriage I mistakenly remained in a dysfunctional marriage with separations occurring over a period of years. This believe system and how it affected the continuation of my first marriage is related in my book: (p 24)

Over several troubled years, my belief prevailed that as a
Christian, I should not be divorced. I told myself I still loved
her. We could make it work. Even with my counseling, our two-faced
relationship continued. At church we appeared to be a
happily married couple. At home we were on a battlefield.

While waiting in the doctor's office today I read the following: "Do you know how to make God laugh, show Him your plan for your life." That sounds funny, but in my experience I feel certain some of MY disastrous plans have made Him cry. Especially, when I clung on to them too tightly.

Psalm 81:11 - 13. But My people would not heed My voice, And Israel would have none of Me. So I gave them over to their own stubborn heart, To walk in their own counsels. Oh, that My people would listen to Me, That Israel would walk in My ways!

Proverbs 19:21. There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the Lord's counsel, that will stand.

Again, I can't emphasize enough the importance of seeking wise counsel. In that area of my healing, Dr. Sam played a very important role. In my life he was the man of understanding who drew out the refreshing deep water to which King Solomon referred. He helped me test the pros and cons of continuing in my marriage.

Proverbs 20:5 Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.

Finally, if children are involved the two parties have to determine what is in the children's best interest. An AARP study which I quote in my book shows that many men remain in a dysfunctional marriage so they won't lose contact with their children.

To protect the children one must consider which is more damaging to the them: to continually argue and fight in front of them or to seek a divorce. Either way the children are going to lose, but which creates the greatest loss? In either instance counseling for them is crucial.

While my divorce occurred long after my two sons were married I believe my remaining in it during their youth was detrimental to them.

For years, my Christian beliefs on the sanctity of marriage
and that divorce was not an option kept me in a marriage
that should have never continued. I believe the damage done
to my sons was far more devastating to them than a divorce
would have been. Both sons had difficulties in their marriages. (P 25)

With so many considerations to be made you will face times of great ambivalence and feelings of guilt.

Whatever your decision, though many fears may belie your path, I hope you will move forward knowing that our precious Lord walks with you.

Please join me next week when we look at FEARS related to Divorce and Remarriage. The following week we will look at Divorce's affect on Family and Friends, titled, "Pointing Fingers or Helping Hands."

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author

FELLOWSHIP, FRIENDSHIP AND FUN - REMARRIAGE

This week, let's look at Fellowship, Friendship & Fun in relationship to a couple attempting to know one another better as they contemplate remarriage. It is important that couples take time to really come to know one another in an honest caring environment. To rush into marriage without taking the time to know the idiosyncrasies of a partner can be a disaster.

How better can we know each other than through times of fellowship, friendship and fun? Spending quiet times together and enjoying one another's presence is a rewarding part of courtship. It is during relaxed moments that one's personality is free to blossom.

FELLOWSHIP:

Sharon and I did a wide variety of simple things to come to know one another better. We enjoyed movies, plays, picnics, reading, dining out, preparing special meals for each other, talking and listening to each other. It helped us to learn what our mutual interests were. It also taught us to appreciate each other's independent interests. The coupons I referred to in my book were part of the fun things we did: (page 117)

Maggie, my secretary who also did calligraphy, was ready and willing to make the award certificate and some special coupons. The coupons included such things as dining out at
the restaurant of her choice, a bicycle ride and picnic, a trip to Solvang, a day at Disneyland, etc. It included a "Plus One," which I planned to give to her that evening at a dinner I would
prepare just for her.

FRIENDSHIP & FUN:

It is important to develop a very strong friendship with one another before taking the giant step of remarriage. Learn to laugh together and occasionally at each other. You may be serious about your love, but don't become so intense that you lose the joy of your relationship. In my book I relate some of the many fun experiences Sharon and I enjoyed during our courtship. The fortune cookie prediction was one such fun time. (Pages 115 and 116).


Chinese Fortune Cookie Prediction

A couple of weeks later, we were dining at a Chinese restaurant. At the end of the meal, the waitress brought our check along with two Chinese fortune cookies.

I opened mine and read it aloud. "You will marry your present lover and be happy."

Sharon's mouth dropped open, "You're making that up."

I showed her the fortune.

"How did you get them to do that?"

"I didn't, honest, but you better marry me or millions of Chinese are going to be heartbroken."

Part of the humor of it all was that just the night before, we had seen the movie, "Oh, God," featuring George Burns. In the movie "God" sent messages in fortune cookies. I had never
gotten or seen a fortune cookie like that before, and I haven’t gotten one since. Have you?

Sharon and I enjoyed many quiet times together where we read to each other in front of a glowing fireplace, played table games or chatted about our life experiences. I believe courtship is a wonderful time to build toward a happy future together. May your memories of those times be as blessed as mine are.

From our first date, during our courtship and throughout our marriage poetry has been a special part of our relationship. It is a way to share oneself with your beloved. If you have that creative spark in you it can enhance and enrich your interaction with each other. The following are two of the many poems we shared:

Little Bird

Small injured bird within my palm,
I hold you there without a qualm.
I feel the beating of your heart,
And long that we shall never part.

In my palm you may abide,
A shelter from life's strong tide.
Cuddle there, abide in peace,
Until from fright you find release.

My palm would close and hold you there,
Prevent your flight into the air,
To keep you here, my very own,
My soul cries out, "I can't condone!

For birds were made with wings to fly,
And soar in freedom through the sky.
Let her heal and set her free,
And she will fly right back to thee!

When she does, she'll build her nest,
With straws of love and peace and rest."
So little bird you may abide,
To heal and grow as God doth guide.

Safe in my palm,
In patient love,

Don

The Gentle Wait

Response to "Little Bird"

I am as a small injured bird,
Happy in the warmth of your palm.
Sh-h-h - do not say a word
Hold gently, stay calm . . . .

If patiently you wait,
Then when all is healed,
No way could you anticipate
The love to be revealed . . . .

Sharon

I hope you will join me next week when I will be looking at Faith perspectives as they relate to remarriage.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author © June 5, 2007

FAMILY FRUSTRATIONS IN DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGES

In addition to family violence which we discussed last week there are other areas that may indicate a dysfunctional marital relationship.

One such area is a partner spending too much time away from the home. In the early years it may involve college studies while working full time. In my situation I was already married before beginning college. The week before I started classes my first son was born. In my book I relate it as follows:

As I was working full time and attending college,
she ended up with almost full responsibility for his
care. I believe this is when she began feeling bitter
toward me.

After graduating from college the pattern continued as I accepted small pastorates and needed to work to meet our expenses. I was spending too much time at work and meeting church responsibilities which resulted in failure to meet other family needs. On pages twenty two and twenty three of my book I wrote:

A year later I accepted the call to become pastor
of another small church. Once again it was necessary
to work a full time job to provide for my family. I spent
very little time with my family. I was back into the pattern
again.

As my workload increased at work and I became more
active in our local church, I spent less and less time at
home. When we were at church, things looked like they
were going fine, but when we arrived home the stresses
continued. This cycle went on in a downward spiral.
The gap between us became wider.

In situations such as this the breadwinner will often be viewed as a hard worker, dedicated to his job and family. Yet, in many families it is a sign of disharmony in the home. The wife is left with almost total responsibility for the children and household tasks. It becomes even more complex when both marriage partners work and only one spouse assumes responsibility for the children and household chores.

It is situations such as this, which lead to disruptions in other areas of family interaction.

Arguments in front of the children may arise over the differences in child rearing philosophy. Such was the case in my marriage. In my book, "Divorce & Remarriage Made Beautiful In His Time." I reference this on page 23

However, tensions and arguments did arise over
what my wife said was my lack of "strict" disciplining
of the boys. I would try to talk with them and find out
what had happened; why they did (or did not) do certain things;
and see how we could help resolve the problem.

Usually, in the midst of this, my wife would become very angry
and say they needed a spanking. So here, too, we found that
our views of discipline and child-rearing were in conflict.

This led to many arguments and confrontations in front of the boys.
Both of us felt we had to maintain our positions. I got the strong
impression that much of her anger was because I hadn't helped with
them in the early stages. Why was I butting in now? I should
just do as she said.

Another indicator of a dysfunctional marriage is a breakdown in communication. One or both always need to be right. There is no room for compromise in such situations. King Solomon knew this very well. In the following two verses of Scripture he gives an inkling of some of the bickering that he witnessed.

Proverbs 19:13 - The nagging of a wife is a persistent leak. (NKJV)

Proverbs 21:19. It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman. (NKJV)

While Solomon reference women I believe this could be either gender! Many husbands negate their wives with unkind words and contempt filled comments. With the verbal negation of a spouse true communication withers and bitterness ensues. The relationship enters a downward spiral. Intervention through counseling is needed.

I relate this type of communication breakdown on page 27.

Our arguments increased, and berating became harsher.
When she became angry, she screamed demeaning and emasculating
remarks at me. After one particularly severe episode,
I moved out. A couple of weeks later, she contacted me and
asked me to move back in with her, saying that things would
be different.

Withholding of sexual intimacy by one or the other partners is another indicator of a marriage headed toward the rocks. This occurred in our marriage.

We began sleeping in separate bedrooms. Our sexual relationship
had long since ceased. Our situation deteriorated to the
point where every time the smallest comment was made, it was
interpreted negatively. (P. 28)

Another indicator of a dysfunctional marriage is when a partner spends too much time with negative friends. Such was my experience:

Mavis, her widowed friend, continued to be a disruptive
force in our marriage. She helped make our situation get further
out of control by bringing her paper down every night with
apartments for rent, circled. I didn't accept their invitation to
begin looking for apartments. Finally, one night I was met at
the door and told, "I hate you, get out. I want a divorce!"

It is almost impossible to redeem a seriously dysfunctional marriage when one or both spouses are unwilling to seek marital and/or family counseling. P 23

When my oldest son entered his teen years, he began rebelling
and became a discipline problem. We sought counseling
from a Christian psychologist. After two sessions, Maria decided
that it was Daniel's and my problem. She would no longer
attend the sessions.

While tests taken at that time indicated
she should be involved in the counseling sessions, our counselor
decided not to make an issue of it. From that point on, she
never participated with me in family or marriage counseling.
Dan and I continued our counseling sessions. No resolution was
reached, and Dan left our home. Of course, this did not bring
resolution to our marital problems. I continued counseling with
my psychologist.

While marital infidelity was not the case in our marriage, it becomes a major factor in many separations and divorces. Christ tells us:

Matthew 19:9 (NKJV) And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.

While in many cases infidelity leads to a divorce, some couples are able to reconcile their differences.

Some Christians remain in a dysfunctional marriage because they are a Christian fail to recognize "Hardness of the heart" in one or both partners. Such was the case in my first marriage.

My misconception at that time was that our marriage could
survive. Our struggle went on. Christians should be able to
work these problems out. (P 24)

In a future session we will look more at "hardness of the heart" and how it can be healed.
.
This week we will be looking at Remarriage Fellowship while dating.

I hope you will join me next week when we look at Failure and Separation.

Hugs, In Christ's and My Love,

Don E. Cunningham, Author ©June 4, 2007 1188